Best of Peter Rhodes - Feb 27

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

A FUTURE fair for all? Labour election slogans can only get better.

A FUTURE fair for all? What about the brunettes?

A FUTURE fair for all? Why can't we have the fair now? Why wait for the future? Send in the clowns.

FRANKLY, I am a little surprised and hurt that the Labour Party has not taken up my suggestion for a slogan: Gordon Brown - a Thumping Good Boss.

WE ARE told the Prime Minister is "very upset" about allegations that he bullied staff. In his position, who wouldn't be upset? Especially if the best character witnesses anyone could find were John Prescott, Phil Woolas, Peter Mandelson and Alan Sugar. Oh, and the missus.

THIS week's Downing Street bullying row has overshadowed a burning issue which affects all of us using the internet. As you may recall, David Wright, the Labour MP for Telford, says the words "scum-sucking" were inserted in one of his anti-Tory Twitter messages by a hacker. Some Twitter users say this is impossible. Mr Wright told us last week: "I have demanded that Twitter provide me with the identity of whoever has inputted into my site" but so far we have heard nothing back from the MP. I do hope this matter is sorted out because it suggests that hackers can get into anything we write wallaby and insert stray words jabberwocky into articles, totally changing wobblefloggly their meaning and possibly exposing us to the risk aardvark of libel Gordon is a moron. If Mr Wright would care to luvverly bunch of coconuts e-mail me, I would be delighted to scum-sucking let readers know how the sink plunger Twitter inquiry is progressing cobblers.

ALL over England, council tax is rising by piffling amounts, at less than the rate of inflation. Pity we don't have a General Election every year.

MAGGIE Thatcher's former faithful lieutenant Norman Tebbit was famously described by Michael Foot as a "semi-house-trained polecat" . Now Lord Tebbit, he has apologised for some sort of kerfuffle which ended with him shoving a child dressed as a Chinese dragon outside his house in Bury St Edmunds. In government, of course, Tebbit did whatever the old dragon told him.

HOW many is many? According to the BBC, "many" of the British children sent to Australia in the hope of a better life from 1920-1970 were subjected to physical and sexual abuse, hence yesterday's apology by the Prime Minister. What we don't know is the percentage who suffered in this way or how many of them would have endured similar abuse if they had stayed in Britain and seen the horrors of our own vile care system. These were kids from poor or broken homes and their outlook was never going to be good. But if an unspecified "many" had a terrible time, I bet many others - and their children - found opportunities in Oz that they would never have found in Britain. If we need proof of that, consider the results of Operation Pied Piper, the wartime evacuation of three million British children from cities into the countryside. For some it was a dreadful experience. For some it was no big deal. And for others it was a life-enhancing event which brought wonderful new experiences and lifelong friends. I would not mind betting that, on balance, the well-intentioned transportation of poor kids from clapped-out, war-weary Britain to the sunny young nation of Oz did more good than harm.

A STUDY of students at the University of California shows that a little snooze in the afternoon clears the brain's short-term memory and makes space for new facts to be remembered. This comes as no surprise to those of us who attended infant schools in the 1950s when little beds were unfolded after lunch and the kids were encouraged to sleep. Science is often about discovering stuff that some folk already know.

FROM the Daily Telegraph: "NHS Manager in Lesbian Tai Kwon Do attack at Hotel." Headlines don't get any better.

I NEVER understood men with weak handshakes. Why, the very essence of manhood is that firm, dry, bone-crunching handshake between two hearty blokes. And then, last week, I got tennis elbow. Ouch.

THE NHS bungs an estimated £4 million a year into homoeopathy even though there is no proof the stuff works. As pressure grows for this funding to be scrapped, may I suggest a homoeopathic way forward? We take the £4 million and dilute it by 90 per cent. We then dilute it again by 90 per cent. And again. And again. Eventually there will be none of the £4 million left at all, merely a residual, ethereal echo of the money. If homoeopathy works, this will be more effective than real money.

AND back at the quiz show:

Q. Where do you think Cambridge University is?

A. Geography isn't my strong point.

Q. There's a clue in the title.

A. Leicester?

AN OCCUPIED land. An imperial foe. Courageous freedom fighters with a charismatic, bearded leader. No wonder Gerry Adams agreed to take part in Sunday's Channel 4 documentary The Bible: A History. How often does an IRA apologist get the opportunity to look just a little bit like Jesus?

THE word from the weather people is that when spring eventually arrives after this long and wretched winter, all the early flowers will come at once and it will be the most memorable spring we have ever seen. So is that more or less memorable than the barbecue summer?

THE parading of coffins through the Wiltshire town of Wootton Bassett is etched into our national psyche as a symbol of respect. But it leaves some old soldiers with mixed feelings. A veteran of the Italian Campaign told me yesterday: "We're jealous of them. All our mates got was a little hole in the ground."

THE Scottish government has launched a new initiative with the food industry, businesses and schools to tackle what is described as "an obesity timebomb." Question: How much time, effort and public money should we spend trying to save people from themselves? Britain's 50-year anti-smoking campaign has been a success but it is almost as though food has taken over from nicotine as the drug of choice. Some people simply opt to self-destruct. Maybe it is their human right to make that choice.

MORE from the quiz show:

Q.What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

A. I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.