Best of Peter Rhodes - Feb 5

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

TWO interesting developments in the same week. First, author Terry Pratchett campaigns for assisted suicide. Next, the Chairman of the Bar Standards Board, Lady Deech, says children should be legally obliged to care for their parents and grandparents. I can see a lovely old story being re-written:

Fingering the syringe, Goldilocks said: "Why, grandmother, what big bills you have. . . ."

AS the nation agonises over the future of England captain John Terry, one of his fans emails me to say: "Surely if our next monarch can get away with such indiscretions without sacrificing the top job, Terry deserves similar tolerance."

AND on Talk Sport, one contributor generously said of Terry: "If he lifts the World Cup in South Africa, he can have my wife, too."

TUESDAY was Candlemas, a festival reckoned to predict the weather for the coming year, as this rhyme tells:

If Candlemas Day be dry and fair

The half o' winter's to come and mair

If Candlemas Day be wet and foul

The half o' winter's gane at Yule.

Tuesday was foul so, if this mediaeval gibberish means anything, it means winter is over.

But do remember that the people who believed this also believed, in the immortal words of Lord Blackadder's aunt, that "cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics."

TRUE grit. My favourite communist, Wolverhampton's daily blogger George Barnsby, has spent weeks in hospital where he recently celebrated his 91st birthday. He is now suffering from MRSA.

Some would be taking it easy but even in his frail condition, the revolution goes on. George rages in his blog: "Bush, Blair and Brown remain at large despite wag ing illegal wars and I regret that I am not able to pursue these scoundrels as I would wish. But if as I hope I am able to return home soon, a bed, hoist and special mattress are on order for me. I shall resume my pursuit of these criminals."

Be afraid, Messrs Blair, Brown and Bush. Be very afraid.

SO one more mystery is solved. We now know why John Wayne and all the other cowboy goodies beat the baddies to the draw, when the baddies always draw their guns first.

Researchers at Birmingham University simulated saloon gunfights and discovered that the person reacting to, rather than initiating a manoeuvre, completes it a split-second quicker.

Funny. I always assumed John Wayne won the gunfight because he had to make it to the end of the film, get the gal and ride into the goshdarned sunset. Wonderful thing, education.

HARRY Hill is a great national treasure. But his latest edition of You've Been Framed (ITV) crossed the boundary of taste.

One video clip showed a woman unwrapping a doll and reacting with irrational, hysterical laughter and tears.

This was clearly a very disturbed woman and not a fit subject for TV comedy.

AND in the science examination:

Q. Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?

A. You might walk into it.

HERE'S one for the conspiracy theorists. Is President Obama really cancelling the US moon programme to save money? Or have the men in black told him that a new moon mission would, embarrassingly, find none of the stuff allegedly left behind by the 1969 Apollo mission (which, as everyone knows, was filmed in a hangar in the Nevada desert)? Er, Washington, we have a problem. . . .

ACCORDING to a spokeswoman for the Department of Health: "The Government does not have any plans at this point in time to introduce legislation to prohibit smoking in private cars." Read between the lines. What this mealy-mouthed statement actually means is that the plans are not ready yet but will be along in a while. Motorists are already being nicked for eating Kit-Kats while driving. The fag ban is only a matter of time.

STILL hammering nicotine addicts, the latest government initiative aims to reduce the number of smokers by half over the next 10 years. Isn't that the job of the tobacco industry?