Best of Peter Rhodes - Dec 4

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

MEANWHILE, at the religious knowledge exam:

"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals."

AND in the geography exam:

Q. Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.

A. Four seals and two polar bears.

AS five British yachtsmen are freed after straying into Iranian waters, the debate rages. Should we Brits be quite so eager to set sail in perilous seas? Auntie Beeb takes an adventurous view. A feature in BBC News Magazine offers this quote: "The days pass happily with me wherever my ship sails. To young men contemplating a voyage I would say, go."

The mag tells us these "sage words" come from the legendary Joshua Slocum who found fame by restoring an old wooden boat, Spray, which he sailed single-handed around the globe from 1895-1898.

Stirring, indeed. But before we all rush down to the sea again for a tall ship and a star to steer her by, it is worth knowing the part of the tale that Auntie leaves out. Eleven years after sailing around the world, Slocum set out on another voyage. Neither he nor Spray were ever seen again.

POVERTY is now back to the same level as 2000, according to yesterday's report by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation. This prompts the Tory work and pensions spokeswoman Theresa May to declare: "This blows apart Labour's hollow claim to be the party of poverty." Au contraire, Kitten Heels, it shows Labour to be very much the party of poverty.

WHEN the Americans stormed into Baghdad in 2003, the people may have had a vague interest in democracy. But what they desperately wanted was electricity, water and the rule of law. The right to cast a vote is no substitute for the basic security of a decent life. Which is why yesterday's blisteringly frank words from Britain's Major-General Nick Carter must not be ignored. He says, quite simply, that Afghanistan's roads were safer under the Taliban than they are now: "You could put your daughter on a bus in Kabul sure in the knowledge that she would get in one piece to Kandahar. That is not the case at the moment." How do we preach Western values to an Afghan family whose child is missing, presumed kidnapped, on the lawless road to Kandahar? How do we attract them to democracy when they recall, as General Carter recalls, that under Taliban rule you never had a vote but at least the kids were safe?

SPOTTED in a shop window: "Free knicker when you buy a bra." A reader inquires: "Do they mean a pair of knickers? Or do you get one leg and half a gusset?"

CHRISTMAS is supposed to be a time for thinking of old friends. So isn't it curious in the Iceland television advert that, while all those swell pals are having a grand time at the party, nobody asks where Kerry Katona is?

SO DID all you working mums watch Delia's Classic Christmas (BBC2) and come away feeling hopelessly inadequate? This is Christmas cuisine for that gilded elite of ladies with the time to shop around for paper-thin pastry, the energy to prepare home-made amuse-bouches and the money to slosh four bottles of spirits into the cake. If mere mortals wanted to have Delia's recipes ready for Christmas, they would have to start work in August.

INCIDENTALLY, I would think twice before following Delia's tip of putting the booze-laden pudding mix under the bed for safekeeping. Unless you really want a house full of drunken mice.

MEN are more likely to be woken by a buzzing fly, women by a crying baby. A psychologist behind the research, reported this week, says the different response "may represent evolutionary differences that make women sensitive to sounds associated with a potential threat to their children, while men are more finely tuned to disturbances posing a possible threat to the whole family." That 's our story and we're sticking to it.

GORDON Brown seems bewildered that in the eight years since 9/11, no-one has been able to "spot or detain or get close to Osama bin Laden". It is puzzling, isn't it? Unless, of course, it suited America's strategic interests not to spot, detain or get close to him. Conspiracy theorist? Me? And why does Brown insist on referring to Alky Ada? He makes the wickedest terrorist group on earth sound like an gin-soaked old auntie.

THE Tory community spokeswoman, Baroness Warsi, was pelted with eggs on a trip to Luton. She was then harangued by local Muslim men who accused her of not supporting sharia law. And in countries where sharia law applies, what happens to protesters who throw eggs at politicians?

NO SURPRISES in the news that police were warned months ago of illegal dog-breeding at the house where a four-year-old boy was mauled to death this week - but took no action. In a system where top cops are obsessed with targets, an isolated report of dodgy dogs is just the sort of item to slip through the net. I wonder how many constabularies, if they ferreted in the bottom of their in-trays, would find similar reports by terrified neighbours. The agonising death of a child concentrates minds wonderfully. But not for long.

THE Met Office says this winter will be "milder than average". A snowmobile, I fancy.

TRAPPED in a lavatory in a Tunbridge Wells hospital, patient George Hudson attracted attention by singing the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah. Strange choice of song. Why not a belting rendition of Please Release Me? Handel's anthem could then be reserved for its proper hospital purpose, marking that deeply spiritual moment when the enema finally works. Hallelujah!