Best of Peter Rhodes - Oct 2

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

FOR nearly half a million viewers Wednesday's Freeview re-tune has robbed them of ITV3 and ITV4 and given them a seedy selection of sex and gambling channels. Farewell, Poirot. Hello, porn. Go on, tell us it's progress.

A READER sends this illuminating offering: How many MPs does it take to change a light bulb? None - they prefer to keep us in the dark.

MEN in tights is allegedly the latest fashion trend in London. Metrosexuals are wearing thick tights under their trousers to keep them warm and improve the look of their legs, heaven forbid. But what's new? In the good old days when the British Army rehearsed for war in chilly northern Europe rather than the pointless wastes of Afghanistan, many a burly squaddie could be found wearing 60 denier tights under his combat kit. Nothing keeps the German blizzards at bay quite like Pretty Polly.

I'M SORT of glad that Alone in the Wild (C4) is over. It was fascinating to see Ed Wardle attempting to keep body and soul together in the Yukon but, my, what a lot of weeping he did. Just when you thought he might get through a day without cracking up, he'd suddenly produce a load of family photographs and burst into tears again. Look, if I wanted to watch Scotsmen sobbing their hearts out, I would go to Paisley at chucking-out time.

IF YOU want to see the salt of the earth, catch the exhibition of the Staffordshire Hoard at Birmingham Museum & Art Gallery. The people joining the queue are the patient, quiet, appreciative folk of Middle England, proud that these Anglo-Saxon treasures were found in their part of the country. One old Brummie leaned over the glass case, examined the gold sword pommels and sighed: "That's real Jewellery Quarter stuff, that is." So often these days, mixing with your fellow humans is an ordeal. Meeting this lot was a pleasure.

"I'M not sure people do know that low-level antisocial behaviour is mainly the responsibility of the council." So said Superintendent Steve Harrod, of Leicestershire police, at the inquest into the terrible death of Fiona Pilkington and her disabled daughter Francesca who had been plagued by gangs of yobs. Maybe the confusion arises because every new police officer swears: "That I will to the best of my power cause the peace to be kept and preserved and prevent all offences against the persons and properties of Her Majesty's subjects." So tell us, superintendent. Has that solemn oath become nothing more than mere words?

SPOTTED in a doctor's surgery in Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

THE internet is full of silly hoaxes and fictitious warnings but this latest one may be genuine. The phone rings. Someone claiming to be from BT says your bill has not been paid and threatens to disconnect the line unless you pay a small sum now by credit card. If you refuse, the re-connection fee will be much more. If you object, he demonstrates how he will cut you off. The line goes dead. This seems to be a scam designed to get your credit-card details. The "cutting off" is a temporary illusion caused by holding the mute button. Just hang up.

A READER reports discovering a fly on the surface of every toilet pan in the men's loos at Schiphol Airport in Holland. On closer examination (don't ask) each of the insects turned out to be the image of a fly, engraved into the ceramic surface. Apparently, it improves the gentlemen's aim.

AT THE Labour Conference, senior MP Tony Wright says the Government should hold one referendum every year on an item of major interest. Oh, really? And would this be the same Labour Party that promised us a referendum on the EU Constitution and then dropped the idea when the Constitution was neatly re-branded as the Lisbon Treaty? By their deeds shall ye know them.

A READER tells me she bought a pair of football boots for her lad. The box carried the invaluable information: "Average contents 2".

IN THE relentless battle against swine flu, I note that all the newspapers and magazines have been removed from my doctor's surgery. But not the leaflets advertising private-health cover.

AN estate agent's photos show a £274,000 fisherman's cottage in a remote location in Kent. Look the other way, however, and the Dungeness A and B power stations are just down the road. So what's new? Estate-agent photography has been an art form ever since the first estate agent pointed his box Brownie at that deceptively spacious bungalow in Abattoir Grove and managed to leave out the abattoir. Years ago I was attracted by images of a town house with what looked like an unusually long garden. It turned out to be a tiddly little garden, grossly exaggerated by a wide-angle lens. And in order to get his picture, the estate agent had obviously been standing on the (unmentioned) railway embankment.

OUR changing language. Visitors to Tate Modern in London were warned that a photograph of the 10-year-old Brooke Shields (since withdrawn) showing her naked, oiled and wearing make-up, was "challenging". Or pornographic, as we used to say.

THE death is reported of an American female wrestler Gladys "Killem" Gillem, who has passed away at 89. One of her earliest achievements was getting herself expelled from a Catholic school by putting minnows in the holy water. Perfect.