Best of Peter Rhodes - August 28

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

A COLLEAGUE had a brief mental block over "complimentary" (which means as a compliment or freely) and "complementary" (which means completing something). My eternal struggle is with the office cupboard containing notebooks and envelopes. It is clearly a stationery cupboard. But as it never moves anywhere, it is also a stationary cupboard. What a great language.

IT WAS a brilliant stepladder, a full 10 feet long and in excellent condition, simply abandoned in the road. Sadly, the road in question was the fast lane of the M6. As far as I know, we all missed it. Memo to those driving builders' lorries: try tying the damn things down.

I ENJOYED watching that old Al Pacino thriller Sea of Love a few days ago. It was made in 1989 and who knew what the future might bring? The opening sequence included a long shot of New York's doomed Twin Towers. And tucked away at the end of the film credits, among all the walk-on nonentities, was a character called simply "Black Guy", played by somebody called Samuel L Jackson.

OF COURSE there was no Libya/UK trade agreement based on the release of the Lockerbie bomber. How do you write a formal agreement on a nod, a wink and a sly tap of the forefinger on the nose?

SIT down. Take a deep breath. Try to prevent your sides from splitting. This was judged the funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival: "Hedgehogs? Why can't they just share the hedge?" Makes you wonder what the worst joke was.

ACTUALLY, I may have a contender for the worst joke ever. A reader asks, who was the only person who could help if a farmer found all his cattle frozen solid?

Thora Hird.

DOES anyone monitor the output of television channels specialising in old repeats? Monday night's edition of Jack Dee Live at the Apollo (Dave channel) was obviously some years old. I doubt if the comedian would want to be associated with it now. The opening series of gags was about soldiers being injured or killed in battle, with Dee sneeringly observing that they should have thought of that before they joined up. Maybe there was a time when this was in acceptable taste. But with so many lads coming home from Afghanistan in Union Jack-covered coffins, it is grossly out of order now.

MAXIMUM respect this week for Stephen White, a 43-year-old trainspotter who saw an unusual locomotive while on holiday near Milford Haven and stopped to take some photos. The police state snapped into action. Mr White was spotted on CCTV and traced by number-plate records. Over the next few days police demanded his photos on three occasions, once after pulling him over with blue lights flashing. Mr White, a civil servant, stood his ground and refused. Dyfed Powys Police, while harrumphing about "suspicious behaviour at an oil refinery" have decided to take no further action. There are two lessons the cops should learn from this. Firstly, whatever some stroppy bobbies may think, they do not have the power to seize Joe Public's holiday snaps. Secondly, if terrorists want to photograph an oil refinery, they will certainly not get themselves spotted by CCTV. In fact, as Stephen White points out, real terrorists would simply use Google Earth.

AS HER Majesty's Prisons bend over backwards to accommodate the needs of minorities, two fascinating facts emerged this week. The first is that pagan prisoners are now allowed to keep twigs in their cells to use as magic wands. The second is that the 80,000-plus prison population includes 800 vegans who have started a campaign to be issued with non-leather prison shoes and ethically-sourced food, toiletries and cosmetics. It occurs to me that the simplest way forward is for the vegan prisoners to bundle up all their unethical clobber and hand it over to the pagan prisoners who can wave a magic twig over it and cast a spell to make it all ethical and vegan-friendly. (If the rest of the world has gone mad I see no reason why I should not join in).

A COUNCIL on Merseyside is offering a training course to teach people how to use buses. What a brilliant idea. Getting on public transport for the first time can be daunting. I am delighted to offer the following useful tips:

* While waiting for the bus it is considered good form to write amusing words on the shelter. Always carry a sturdy felt-tip pen

* Show cultural respect. A bus driver wearing a turban should always be addressed as Gandhi

* Never pay the asking price for a ticket. Good-natured haggling is expected

* To prevent deep-vein thrombosis, be sure to rest your feet on the seat opposite

* The rear seats are designed for the changing of babies' nappies

* Passengers bearing bags of chips are always welcome. Share them

* A small camera at the front of the bus is for impromptu karaoke performances. Have a go!

* The upstairs deck is reserved for naturists. To avoid any embarrassment, remove all clothing before climbing the steps.

TEN British soldiers died in order that 80,000 Afghans in the Babaji district could vote. Only 150 actually voted. But only a minority of Brits turn out for most elections. If a bunch of wild-eyed religious loonies were threatening to kill us for doing so, I suspect the figure would be even lower. Especially if we knew the president would fiddle the result anyway.