Best of Peter Rhodes - July 17
The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.
The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.
IS ANYONE surprised that swine flu has spread so rapidly in England? We are the most crowded country in Europe, squirming and elbowing along at a sweaty, fetid density of 400 people per square kilometre. Bugs love Brits.
CAR clamping is illegal in Scotland but thriving in England where our beloved Government not only lets clampers tow away our cars but sells them our names and addresses so they can send us threatening letters. The RAC Foundation says that imposing huge "fines" when no criminal offence has been committed may actually be be illegal. Undeterred, the Government is looking at ways of licensing clamping firms. They still don't get it, do they?
AS NEARLY half a million kid scramble for university places, the Higher Education Minister David Lammy says: "The UK will needs more graduates to win the highly skilled jobs of the future." Really? And where are these highly skilled jobs? I left school 40 years ago when only about 10 per cent of school leavers went to university, because only about 10 per cent of jobs needed a university education. The rest of us came out of school, moderately well educated, went to work and learned the ropes as we went along. Mind you, back then, no government was trying to keep 500,000 kids out of the unemployment figures.
I ASKED the question last week, what have the elephants ever done for us?A number of you have responded. Okay, but apart from:
* Carrying the artillery to rescue Gunga Din
* Getting Hannibal over the Alps
* Pulling up the circus big top
* Giving tourists rides in Sri Lanka, and
* Carrying Tarzan after the forest fire,
what have the elephants ever done for us?
CAR clamping is illegal in Scotland but thriving in England where our beloved Government not only lets clampers tow away our cars but sells them our names and addresses so they can send us threatening letters. The RAC Foundation says that imposing huge "fines" when no criminal offence has been committed may actually be be illegal. Undeterred, the Government is looking at ways of licensing clamping firms. They still don't get it, do they?
AS NEARLY half a million kid scramble for university places, the Higher Education Minister David Lammy says: "The UK will needs more graduates to win the highly skilled jobs of the future." Really? And where are these highly skilled jobs? I left school 40 years ago when only about 10 per cent of school leavers went to university, because only about 10 per cent of jobs needed a university education. The rest of us came out of school, moderately well educated, went to work and learned the ropes as we went along. Mind you, back then, no government was trying to keep 500,000 kids out of the unemployment figures.
I HAVE huge sympathy for soldiers killed in action, for young men killed in car crashes, even for silly school leavers who, unaware of the power of booze, drink themselves to death or tumble off Cornish cliffs. But grown men tormenting the bulls in Pamplona and getting gored? Not one ounce of sympathy.
AFTER last week's excitement over a date-time sequence of numbers, a reader points out a forthcoming sequence which will not be repeated for 1,000 years. At 34 mins and 56 secs after 12 noon on August 7, the time will be 12:34:56 7/8/9. Bet you miss it.
HAD to smile at the smuggler nicked at Manchester Airport as she attempted to bring in a haul of cocaine hidden in the shafts of some golf clubs. A Customs officer asked brightly: "So what's your handicap?"
She looked blank, asked for the question to be repeated and seemed to think the officer was inquiring about her health.
Another easy nick. Jailed for four years. Her real handicap? Being a bit dim.
LORD Mandelson says if the Conservatives are returned to power they will allow the return of foxhunting. This will raise a smile in those broad acres of England were foxhunting never went away.
THE new drug vending machines to be installed in some English prisons will dispense doses of methadone after recognising an authorised prisoner's iris or thumb print. I have a grisly vision of a knock on the drug addict's cell door and the cheerful greeting from his fellow inmates: "Morning, sonny. We've come for your thumb."
A DEFINITION for our swine-flu times. Coffee: a person who is coughed upon.
