Best of Peter Rhodes - July 10

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

THAT great national treasure Cherie Blair is leading something called The Commission on English Prisons Today which is calling for fewer people to be jailed. Its new report is entitled Do Better, Do Less and advocates community punishments rather than short prison sentences. If "Do Better, Do Less" seems to ring a bell, you're probably thinking of that older, sterner and altogether wiser maxim: "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime."

BEHOLD, the entire social order collapses. At Henley Royal Regatta, for the first time in 33 years, gentlemen were allowed to remove their blazers in the heat. There was no such relaxation on ties. The result is something every ex army officer will recognise as the order of dress worn for dinner in sultry climes. In lieu of stifling hot mess kit with its high collars and braid, officers are allowed to wear light trousers, long-sleeved shirt (bare arms are regarded as the mark of the best) and regimental tie. This rig is known as plantation or planters' order and looks just as silly as it sounds.

OH, PLEASE. An officer laying flowers for the two police dogs who died in their van at Nottingham? What next, a bugler with a special rendition of the Last Lamppost?

AS I may have mentioned some weeks ago, the positive thing about a mild variant of flu, such as swine flu, is that it gives us a chance to rehearse our defences against a real killer. The good news is that Britain was probably the best prepared nation in the world and that our system has now been fully tested. The bad news is that swine flu is tearing merrily through the population and we can't do a damn thing to stop it. On second thoughts, there is no good news.

ED, THE minister for Balls, says he wants to tackle homophobic language, "such as the worryingly prevalent use of the word 'gay' as a general term of abuse." Well, good luck with that one, Ed. The problem is that while we grown-ups tiptoe timidly around the NuLab NuSpeak so as to cause no possible offence to anyone (whether gay, straight, hermaphrodite, lesbian, asexual, transgender or any combination of the aforesaid), the rising generation of teens and twenties really do not give a toss what they say. It is one generation's inevitable rebellion against their elders. And for Ed Balls to try to stamp it out is, well, just so gay, innit?

WHY did Sarah Brown attend the Gay Pride march in London while her husband stayed away? The official excuse was "security" and there may be something in that. Mr Brown has regular meetings with Muslim "community leaders" who take a fairly old-fashioned view of homosexuality. You can't feel very secure if you go gay marching one day and sit down with people who believe in gay stoning the next.

"BLACK hair and a beard with no distinguishing features". Description of a wanted Taliban leader given to British paras in Afghanistan, as reported by Patrick Bishop in his new book, Ground Truth.

A LETTER in one of the London newspapers asks: "Can someone explain why most cars on the road are the same colour as fog?" The real question is why so many motorists, driving fog-coloured cars in thick fog, never think to switch on their headlamps. Possibly because they are thicker than even the thickest fog.

ONE OF Michael Jackson's closest companions is still unaware of his death. Bubbles the chimp is living out his days at Florida's Center For Great Apes. Director Patti Ragan told a reporter: "We haven't said anything to him yet." Seriously.

SOMETHING tacky and rather un-English is happening in Wootton Bassett, the Wiltshire market town where folk line the streets in solemn tribute as the war dead are repatriated from Afghanistan. The town desperately wants to keep these events simple and informal. But one outsider has already launched a petition to rename the main street "Highway of Heroes". Standard bearers with regimental flags and even a military band have turned up. No doubt they all think they are doing something worthy and terribly patriotic. But when it comes to remembrance, a little three-word motto which used to be ingrained deeply in the English soul applies: Less is more. This is Wiltshire, not Washington. The best thing outsiders can do for Wootton Bassett is stay away.

ONE of the great myths of the first moon landing, 40 years ago this month, is that it turned us all into eco-crusaders. The theory is that once we saw our fragile blue-green planet rising above the lunar surface, we began to treat it in a kinder, gentler way. Bunkum. Back then, there were about 3.7 billion humans on this planet. Today there are 6.5 billion. The truth is that over the past 40 years of the space age, far from caring for this planet, we have bred like rats and ripped out its natural resources faster than ever. The only difference is that we pretend to feel guilty about it.

I HAVE some sympathy for John Prescott if, as he fears, his private phone calls have been bugged. But I have even more sympathy for the poor bug operator (bugger?) who had to transcribe his conversations. Remember the golden age of Prescottisms: "We are now taking proper, putting the amount of resources and investment to move what we call extreme conditions which must now regard as normal." Good old Two Jags. At least he has both feet on terra cotta.

MY THANKS to the reader who keeps me abreast of television news. He tells me The Flintstones is to be shown on the Arabian TV network. Most Arabs do not want it screened but the people in Abu Dhabi do.