Best of Peter Rhodes - April 17

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

WHACKING women with batons may be ungentlemanly. But since when did sticking your gob six inches from a police officer's face and screaming "Scum!" constitute peaceful protest?

"I AM ashamed of what I did and I have to live with that shame." Former Labour spin-doctor Derek Draper last week, reflecting on the 1998 cash-for-access scandals which led to his resignation.

"These are absolutely, totally brilliant, Damian." The same Derek Draper, on seeing the malicious Smeargate emails from McBride.

A RETIRED police sergeant rang, still horrified at top anti-terrorism cop Bob Quick carelessly carrying papers revealing plans for the Manchester round-up. "His colleagues will have no problem choosing what to buy him as a retirement present," says the old cop. "A briefcase."

NO SURPRISES in yesterday's survey showing that most people using the social-network sites Twitter and Facebook are aged over 35. They think they are doing the cool, hip, happening thing but grown-ups tweeting to their "friends" are just the latest incarnation of your embarrassing father trying to dance. Oh, just act your age, dad.

THE satellite channel Dave was the first to screen the latest three-part series of Red Dwarf, the sci-fi comedy launched 20 years ago. But it made the mistake of showing the first of the new series back-to-back with an episode from years ago. This merely reminded us how funny the old series were, and how unfunny the new one is.

SPENT Easter Sunday rambling. Not in the literary sense, you understand, but in boots with map in hand. Mrs Rhodes and I have lived at Chateau Rhodes for 25 years and my wife was born and grew up in the area. We consider ourselves seasoned walkers. And yet within 40 minutes we were on a track we had never walked, in countryside we had never seen, beside a stream we did not know existed. Sometimes the best things in life are right under your nose.

MORE (allegedly) true medical notes:

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant

* She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December

* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Smith who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree

UK Border Agency officials refused entry to a Brazilian woman who arrived at Newcastle Airport with luggage containing only T-shirts, a dressing gown and lingerie. They suspected the 32-year-old of being involved in the sex industry. It seems a harsh and sudden judgment. She might simply have been a heavy sleeper.

ANYWAY, as they showed her the way back to Brazil, the lady insisted she had merely planned on "seeing Newcastle city centre". I can see this phrase passing into popular speech. Fancy seeing Newcastle city centre, pet?

ON ANY Answers (Radio 4), Jonathan Dimbleby smartly slapped down a lad who had the bare-faced temerity to suggest that Britain does not face much of a threat from terrorism. The caller based this on the simple fact that there haven't been many terrorist attacks. "Well, that's one way of seeing it," harrumphed Dimbleby in a tone that implied that caller was one sandwich short of a picnic. It strikes me as a perfectly sound way of seeing it. Although we were told the latest plotters were just a few days away from creating mayhem in Manchester, it has all gone rather quiet. There is talk of deporting rather than charging them. Where are the explosives, the guns, the suicide vests? Another caller to Any Answers suggested these plots may be "aspirational," which may be as close to the truth as we will get.

"WE TAKE no lessons in morality from government ministers who fit out their homes with stone sinks from Habitat on their expenses, who pay their husbands more than a teacher earns to be their personal assistants, and who don't appear to engage in even a hint of performance management of what they get up to." Stirring speech from the NUT conference. Spoiled only by the NUT then demanding a £3,000-a-year rise or 10 per cent, whichever is greater. Another planet, innit?

"GRIZZLY details released of murder," declared one headline this week. Not entirely. While the murder in question was certainly grisly, no bear was involved.

POLICE battered down the door at Paul Morris's house in the West Midlands after a worried woman told police she had not seen her "elderly neighbour" for some days. Mr Morris, who was alive and well and visiting his brother for Easter, is 53 and not best pleased. According to the police, having your front door smashed in with a battering ram is now "a public safety welfare check."

FAILED dressmakers. Do they get depleted?

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