Best of Peter Rhodes - February 13

Columnist Peter Rhodes on Barack Obama, Andrew Motion, Carol Thatcher and Prince Harry – amongst others.

PRESIDENT Barack Obama hails Tony Blair as a leader who "perhaps did it better then I will do." Oh, we do hope not.

A READER reminds me of the ancient Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

ANDREW Motion stands down next month as Poet Laureate and his successor is breathlessly awaited. As far as I can see there are only two qualifications for this prestigious job:

1. It is essential that 99 per cent of the population have never heard of you

2. Your poetry must be utterly forgettable.

Now, here's an idea. Why not break with tradition? Let's have a Poet Laureate that people actually know and whose poetry would make us laugh or cry and be learned by heart, just for the fun of it.

Step forward that great national treasure, Pam Ayres. I expect some stirring odes to mark historic events including:

* Oh, I wish I'd looked after me monarchy

* Will I have to be sexy at sixty? (for Princess Anne)

* Lord, I've gone and shot Alistair Darling / I thought he was really a starling.

LATEST on the banking crisis in Japan. The Ninja Bank has turned turtle.

FUNNY how the same idea crops up simultaneously all over the country. A number of phone callers have suggested we might tackle two of the nation's biggest problems by putting the bankers to work in the salt mines.

MY HOME village in Yorkshire is tiny but has its own website. The News section declares with Northern frankness: "This page has been cleared because the news was ancient. We await anything of interest." It has been that way for some time now.

SPOTTED (allegedly) in a London department store: "Bargain basement upstairs."

AFTER being laughed off the air for their use of "major snow event," the weatherpersons are now sticking to "heavy snowfalls." But they still keep trotting out "blizzard conditions" which, presumably, are much the same as blizzards.

IN YE goode olde days, the Royal Navy was forever capturing French or Spanish warships, changing the name, hoisting a white ensign and pressing them into service for years. It occurs to me as the "toxic" French aircraft carrier Clemenceau is towed up the River Tees to be broken up, that we can surely find a better use for it than landfill. Give her a fresh coat of paint, run up the white ensign, think of a spanking new name - HMS Waterloo? - and she could sail the seven seas on the nation's behalf until Britain's new aircraft carriers are ready. Admittedly, she's hardly fighting fit but as the chief purpose of aircraft carriers these days is to host cocktail parties in sunny climes, Clemenceau/Waterloo fits the bill admirably. Just look at the size of that dance floor (or flight deck as it is sometimes known).

I'M still not sure who I despise most in the Carol Thatcher affair. Is it those PC zealots celebrating her sacking with all the revolting glee of brownshirts at a book-burning? Or is it those silly, disingenuous types in a 1950s timewarp who insist on telling us how much they loved their own golliwog and really can't see what the fuss is about?

A CONSULTANCY called Future Laboratory says within 10 years we could be watching telly on a contact lens and changing channel by voice command. Beware. Every time you say s**t you'll get Channel Five.

FOLLOWING the police decision to purchase cardboard constables to deter and confuse villains, I have received a mail shot from Cardboard Fabrications of Birmingham offering lifesize cardboard clergy. The cardboard Catholic priest comes in Progressive, Middle-of-the-Road and Tridentine models. In church trials, 40 per cent of worshippers noticed no difference and 25 per cent said there had been "considerable improvement." The company is now working on cardboard congregations. Early tests indicate a marked improvement in singing. There is also the advantage that when the vicar calls for volunteers, nobody makes a dash for the door.

WEEP for Oz. And never, ever complain about our weather again.

DURING this week in 1855 "the Devil's footprints" held Britain spellbound. It was a line of cloven-hoofed prints and it ran, dead straight, for 100 miles across snow-covered Devon and southern England. The mystery was never properly explained. A reader, spotting a brief mention of the event in the paper, was taken back 50-odd years to the radio series, Appointment with Fear, presented by "the Man in Black," Valentine Dyall. Dyall was a character actor whose rich, menacing tones lent a special chill to tales of horror and mystery. My reader says he was utterly transfixed. And that radio programme was so firmly set in his mind that he could remember every detail of it vividly half a century on. Back then, information was a rare commodity, to be treasured. Today we are drowning under an endless 24/7 cascade of facts, figures and opinion. I wonder how much of today's radio and TV barrage of information-overload will be remembered for 50 hours, let alone 50 years.

IT'S official. Scientists report that those "brain-trainer" games have no effect on brain function. This is excellent news for those of us who can't remember where we left them.

AT A cost of £1 billion, a fleet of five British spy planes will soon be trying to sniff out roadside bombs in Afghanistan. So that's £1,000 million to detect home-made bombs costing a few rupees. Rudyard Kipling was horrified at the expense of the Afghan war 113 years ago when he wrote: "Strike hard who cares, shoot straight who can / The odds are on the cheaper man". Nothing changes.

WE ARE monitored by millions of CCTV cameras. We are fined for leaving the wheelie-bin open. Councils employ surveillance satellites to seek out unauthorised porches. Anti-terrorist laws are used to eject hecklers. Police wade in mob-handed to crush dissent at demos. Meanwhile, Ed the minister for Balls says the recession could lead to a surge in right-wing politics. How would we know the difference?

ONLY in Britain could it be announced with a straight face that Prince Harry (Eton, Sandhurst, the Blues & Royals and third in line for the throne) is being sent on an equality course.