Best of Peter Rhodes - January 9
Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending January 9.
Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending January 9.
REMEMBER - the sooner you eat all those Christmas chocolates, the sooner you'll be rid of the temptation.
IS ANYONE else peeved at the disbelieving tone of some euro-enthusiasts these days? The pound has tumbled almost to parity with the euro. And yet (hear the experts' gasps of bewilderment) 70 per cent of those funny Brits still do not want to join the euro. Actually, there is no mystery to it. The pound is an old friend. We Brits do not desert old friends simply because they fall on hard times. What worries me is how many of those in authority have absolutely no understanding of the people they want to rule.
YOU have to smile at the new survey suggesting that football is the best place for children to bond with their parents. Only at father's side on the terraces will our children learn the correct words to that charming old football chant: "You're gonna get your ***ing 'ead kicked in".
IT WAS like a funeral that went on for days. We found ourselves dropping into our local Woolworths, sad witnesses to the half-empty displays and the little posters offering staff chairs and shelving for sale. It all came back - the sixpence clenched in a tiny fist for the Saturday trawl through the sweets section, the noses pressed to the windows in the days of cowboy outfits. Woolworths was part of our heritage and it was bitter to see the old place crumbling away. So what did we buy, what little trinket did we snap up to remind us of the last days of Woolworths? Nothing. Even with 90 per cent off there wasn't a single damn thing I wanted. That was the weakness of Woolies.
EXPERTS at the Met Office and the University of East Anglia say 2009 may become one of the five warmest on record. You may wish to cut this out and keep it.
MEANWHILE, in Lark Rise to Candleford (BBC1) someone's roof got fixed and someone's old dress got torn. Riveting, isn't it?
THE new Councillors' Guide on Disability includes a "disability etiquette" to help councillors and public officials use the latest politically-correct terms. "Suffering" and "suffers from" are forbidden words. These days, for example, a person simply "has asthma." The term "special needs" is unacceptable but "specific needs" is fine. "Disabled toilet" is wrong but "accessible toilet" is right. And look what has happened to the notion of caring. The word "care" has been replaced by "personal assistance" and "carers" are now "personal assistants." This has a sinister ring. A carer, by definition, cares for someone. A personal assistant might not give a damn.
SHOCK, horror. Figures released under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that livers from British donors are being given to foreign patients. Another good reason to keep drinking, by jingo.
A HISTORY of Scotland (BBC2) is yet another stab at ye olden times on a budget, using the same old formula:
1. View of pretty scenery
2. Earnest presenter reads old book.
3. Four blokes in costume pretend to be a Viking army.
4. More pretty scenery.
5. Same four blokes pretend to be dead monks.
Next week: Four blokes pretend to be an English army.
THERE is a moment in some war films when a member of the squad produces a photo from his wallet.
He explains it's his gal back home and when this bloody war is over, they're gonna live in a little house on the prairie and raise lots of kids. From that moment, you know the squaddie is doomed.
I was reminded of that movie cliché this week when Marina Fogle told the world that when her explorer husband Ben gets back from the South Pole they're going to start trying for a baby.
It's called tempting fate, lady. Don't do it.
DECEMBER: Tesco announces it is supporting the Government's Change4Life healthy-eating campaign.
JANUARY: Tesco cuts price of four multi-packs of Walkers crisps to £4.
MORRIS dancers say their pastime is desperately short of new blood and could die out within 20 years. So it's not all bad news.
THE PENSION Protection Fund, designed as a lifeboat for bankrupt pension funds, is reported to have a deficit of more than £500 million. Clearly it's time for a Pension Protection Fund Protection Fund.
A READER writes in response to my suggestion that the first vehicles to be fitted with speed-limiters should be motorcycles. He's a biker. He says I clearly know nothing about bikes and challenges me, if I "have the stomach," to join him and his mates on one of their rides. Thanks, but no thanks. I was riding bikes when he was still in short pants and I loved the rush. But I also spent too many Monday mornings as a young reporter interviewing parents whose lads had been killed on bikes over the weekend. I was wrong in one respect in my last piece. I suggested that you are 20 times more likely to be killed on a bike than in a car; the correct figure is 37 times.
SOME weather forecasters are already predicting a hot summer. But who could have guessed it would have started so early? According to reports this week, big cats have been "reliably" detected by rangers in the English countryside. The silly season starts here.
IF HEATHROW gets its third runway, jets will roar over the stretch of the Thames where Kenneth Grahame was inspired to write his wonderful tale of Ratty, Mole and Badger. The Slipstream in the Willows?
* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter's gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.
