Best of Peter Rhodes - September 26

Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending September 26.

THE VATICAN has just banned the speaking of God's name Yahweh in church services. This sounds like Monty Python's Life of Brian when the old blasphemer is to be stoned to death for uttering the word "Jehovah." The Vatican's move also prompts religious writer Christopher Howse in the Telegraph to speculate on the meaning of Jahweh, as revealed to Moses from the Burning Bush. Howse suggests Jahweh means "I am who am" or "I am who I am". If I may join this debate, I must point out that neither of these interpretations should be confused with "I am what I am 'cos I am what I am" which is, of course, neither Jahweh nor Jehovah but Popeye.

REMEMBER how the boffins assured us there was no risk of the Cern experiment causing a black hole, because the experts knew exactly what they were doing? The experiment has now been switched off after the magnets overheated. Frankly, I would not trust this lot to cook kippers in a microwave.

SCIENTISTS at King's College, London, say the scent of lavender may help people relax when seeing the dentist. Tell you what. You can have my share of the lovely, natural, holistic lavender. I'll settle for a slug of valium and a big, old-fashioned syringe of novocaine.

I WOULD dearly love to be proved wrong on my private theory that mobile phones will become the asbestos and cigarettes of the 21st century. But yet another report, this time by scientists in Sweden, suggests a link between mobiles and brain cancer in children. One public-health expert who saw the Swedish evidence warns of "an epidemic of brain cancers." In the 1950s some experts were warning that smoking was harmful. But people puffed away, secure in the knowledge that if everyone was smoking it couldn't be that dangerous, could it?

WHEN you hear the expression "Indian summer" does it conjure images of the Raj with punkah-wallahs operating the big fans while sweating Brits in pith helmets reach for yet another gin and lime? Apparently the expression has nothing to do with India. It originated in North America where the natives, having sweltered through a humid summer, worked in their fields during the mild, settled autumn. In these politically correct times I am surprised we don't call it a "Native American summer."

MIND you, those small furry, smelly things with scrunched-up faces are still known as Pekingese, even though the Chinese capital has been known as Beijing for years.

A BLONDE (it is alleged) took her car to the garage and asked if they had a replacement 710 as hers had fallen off the engine. The bemused mechanics asked for more details. She explained that she hadn't a clue what the 710 did but it had always been under the bonnet and had recently gone missing. They asked her to describe the 710 and she drew a picture of a round cap with 710 written on it. At this stage you may have to turn the page upside down.

ISN'T Valentine Warner a find? He's the slightly bonkers one who presents What to Eat Now (BBC2), a cookery programme which shows it is perfectly possible to produce exquisite food without effing and blinding your way through the kitchens. I loved the moment when his jelly rabbit flopped and a dour Yorkshire lady from the Women's Institute observed: "Looks like road-kill."

GORDON Brown's new speech writer, 28-year-old Kirsty McNeill, is described as having a) a "ferocious intellect" and b) the ability to "get inside" Brown's head. You can't help wondering why a bright young lady would want to go into a dark, disturbing place like that.

I STARTED laughing at Brown's speech when he gave us that line about how angry he was on meeting victims of crime "because like them I know the difference between right and wrong."

So how come we have a legal system which doesn't?

AS IT is revealed that 30 million dodgy £1 coins are in circulation, the Royal Mint says: "Any member of the public who suspects they have a counterfeited coin should not attempt to spend it." I can't think when I have laughed so much.

AS THE credit crunch bites, the vultures are gathering. A junk-mail shot from some "personal credit" organisation drops on the Rhodes doormat. It announces "we could help you" with a loan of £300 repayable at £9 a week over 56 weeks. That's a total repayment of £504. Muslim sharia law has an excellent remedy for this sort of operation. It usually involves an axe and a chopping block.

AND YET more mis-heard song lyrics. An Enya fan tells me he was sure "Sail Away" was "Save the Whale."

ANOTHER recalls as a child endlessly repeating "thanks be to God" in church until he became convinced there was a deity called Peter God.

I SMILED at the newsreader who told us recently that a suspect bomb had been "diffused" when he presumably meant defused. Mispronunciation is a national epidemic, probably caused by a school system based on reading rather than listening. Kids pick up all sorts of clever new words but are not taught how to pronounce them. Top of my pet hates are schedule pronounced as "skedule" and the initial H pronounced as haitch rather than aitch. For the record, there is no such bank as HaitchSBC, no such music shop as HaitchMV and no such historic warship as HaitchMS Victory.

MIND you, some folk are simply incapable of getting a word right, no matter how hard they try. I had a friend who knew perfectly well the stone landmark on top of the hill was the obelisk. It always came out as the obeglisk.

* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter's gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.