Best of Peter Rhodes - September 5
Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending September 5.
Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending September 5.
"WHERE to live if you want to be happier," was one headline on the report about a survey identifying Britain's happiest place (it's in Wales). But happiness doesn't work like that. If you are miserable it could be because you are a misery guts. Moving to Wales will only make Wales that little bit unhappier. Try moving to one of the really unhappy places. They'll think you're a hoot.
MORE misunderstood song lyrics. A reader swears he thought the Paul Young number was about fridge-robbing and went: "Every time you go away, you take a piece of meat with you."
ANOTHER reader tells me her children came home from school music lessons having learned Edelweiss from The Sound of Music, ending with the line: "Bless my old man for ever."
FAY WELDON says creative writing should be taught in all schools. She has obviously never seen the average 15-year-old's sick note "from me mum."
I NOTE a couple of psychic evenings among some small ads. Can we assume the slogan: "for entertainment only" will be displayed at these events? Otherwise some poor deluded people might think "spirit readings" are something other than a branch of showbiz.
NO-ONE can argue with Selina Scott seeking £1 million damages for age discrimination towards the end of her glittering career. Providing, of course, that she can show she did not benefit unfairly from being young and beautiful at the start of her glittering career.
THE movement Peta, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, wants the British Army to replace the traditional Guards' bearskins with ones made of synthetic fur. By the right, quick spark.
IT IS a poor wee thing with no prickles and yet it is perfectly round. The first conker of 2008 fell at Chateau Rhodes, unnaturally early, on the first day of September. A globular warning.
THERE are disclosures and disclosures. A report yesterday claimed that Biddy Baxter, a former editor of Blue Peter, has "disclosed" in her new book that the programme's first dog, Petra, was an imposter. The mongrel bitch was bought to replace the original puppy which died suddenly. Well, of course she was. Everyone knows the Petra story. The tale of staff scouring Lewisham for an identical puppy has been around for years. It even appears in Wikipedia. You can't help wondering what other ancient non-secrets Biddy will "disclose." Blue Peter is named after a naval flag? Its colour is predominantly blue? Christopher Trace was a bit of a lad? I can't wait.
SCIENTIST Chris Smith has produced a fun new book full of fun DIY experiments, including how to make a fun hot-air balloon. Simply make a wide cardboard tube big enough to fit over your toaster, drape a thin rubbish bag on top, switch on the toaster and watch the bag fill with hot air and float away. What fun.
And then pay £60 to the litter warden who was watching your every move on CCTV.
Fun? We don't do that.
ACCORDING to one report, blackberry picking is falling out of fashion with few people seen gathering the fruit. Excellent. A mugful of fresh blackberries whisked into honey yoghurt is one of autumn's great treats. If you lot aren't interested, there's more for me.
A STAMP-duty holiday? Isn't there something vaguely immoral about the Government tempting folk to buy property at a time when property prices are falling? If Brits really want to save money on buying a house, just wait six months.
A DAILY Telegraph editorial wrings its hands over gene research which could prolong life and asks piously: "How many of us would like to live until we are 100?" Try asking some 99-year-olds.
IT IS fashionable to think of dolphins as our ocean-bound cousins, social, intelligent creatures with a hint of spirituality. But we may have put them on a pedestal too soon. A spate of violent deaths among small harbour porpoises off Cornwall is being blamed on bullying attacks by their relatives the dolphins. Flipper and Co may be more like us than we care to think.
SERGEANT Roy Jennings, a cop based in Hampshire, is furious. He caught two 13-year-old thugs who smashed his car window while he was driving. They could have caused a fatal accident. His own force has decided not to prosecute them but to give one a caution and the other a final warning. Jennings is disgusted with this example of British justice. Join the club, sarge.
GCSE Psychology paper. Question one. Fifteen-year-old Rufus is 6ft, weights 14 stone and has anger-management issues. His hobbies include weightlifting, karate and ripping the heads off cats. Imagine you are a head teacher. Devise a strategy for informing Rufus that, owing to a change in the law, he must stay at school until he is 17 (NB: points will be deducted for taking early retirement).
A FEMALE police officer has been suspended after leaving her loaded pistol in the loo at a London Starbucks. I bet she flushed.
"WE COULD just have some fine weather before the month is out," says weatherman Michael ("No Hurricane") Fish.
Run, folks. Run for the hills.
* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter's gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.
