Best of Peter Rhodes - March 7

Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending March 7.

CURIOUS choice of words by Ken Purchase MP in the Commons debate when he said regeneration through casinos should be "outwith the lexicon of Labour policies." Outwith, meaning outside or beyond, is a Scottish word. Maybe Mr Purchase wanted to be understood by the people who really run England.

AS THE dust settles on Prince Harry's Afghan adventure, perhaps the most interesting revelation is that the third in line to the throne does not like England much. Some apologists say Harry was actually referring to the media but it sounded to me as though the media were one issue and his dislike of England was another. Perhaps he would care to explain. It would be nice to think that, if anything happened to Charles and William, we might get a king who feels at least some affection for his kingdom.

AN EDUCATION website used by some English schools is under fire for teaching history from the enemy's viewpoint. For example, children are asked to think of four reasons why, before the Armada of 1588, "Spain was angry enough with England to want to invade" A Whitehall spokesman says: "There is no contradiction between loving your country and getting a proper understanding of British history." Quite so. Now, children, answer the following:

1. What did Belgium do to get itself invaded by the Kaiser?

2. What did the Jews do to make Mr Hitler so angry?

3. How did Saddam Hussein provoke Tony Blair into invading Iraq?

HOW much farmland will be gobbled up by the Government's latest plan to create 20 new university campuses with 10,000 places? We will starve by degrees.

THE TORY peer Lord Mancroft is quite wrong to describe nurses as "grubby, drunken and promiscuous." Nurses are angels in uniforms. They are cheerful, chaste and sober, and clean in thought, word and deed. They never come to work with hangovers or smelling of fags and they never, ever ignore the patients. These tablets are brilliant.

THOSE who accuse the Muslim world of being stuck in the Middle Ages should consider the latest news from the Vatican. A papal envoy has supervised the exhumation of Padre Pio, a popular Italian saint who died 40 years ago. According to the Vatican the body is well preserved and "Padre Pio's fingernails are as if he had just had a manicure."

The rotting stiff will go on display next month for public veneration in San Giovanni Rotondo in southern Puglia, where he lived. To get the full divine effect, stand downwind. Meanwhile, back in the 21st century . . . .

A READER tells me that priests at his local Roman Catholic church are worried about falling numbers and are considering hiring a coach to bring in parishioners. He asks, is this a form of mass transit?

IT HAS emerged this week that Britain used an astrologer during the last war to predict Hitler's next moves. Aries: You are still unsure of what to do next, despite the success of one adventure which may have involved foreign travel. Do not be held back by your critics. Be bold. A good week for public speaking and launching U-boats. Lucky colour: Red. Lucky music: Wagner. Lucky travel destination: Stalingrad. A READER sends me one of those self-congratulatory council leaflets telling us what a grand job the town hall is doing. In this case, it's the community wardens who come in for praise for all their hard work. The feature is illustrated with a picture of two smiling wardens facing the camera. In the background four cars are parked on the pavement.

WELL done, Oz all-rounder Andrew Symonds, for shoulder-charging a streaker to the ground. Am I alone in finding freestyle streaker-whacking a damn sight more entertaining than the cricket?

WHATEVER happened to Martin McGuinness, tousle-headed firebrand of the Ulster Troubles and apologist for IRA bombers? He popped up this week during the debate on Ian Paisley quitting politics. Grey, calmer and bespectacled, McGuinness appears to be turning into Paul O'Grady.

A COUPLE of weeks ago new presenter Jane Garvey accused Radio 4 of being "massively middle class" and was met with an equally massive chorus of er, yes, and so what's the problem? After Garvey made herself look silly, you might imagine a government minister would be more careful. Some hope. Culture minister Margaret Hodge plunges in head-first by denouncing the Proms for not being multicultural. She is absolutely right. The Proms are essentially white and middle-class. Again, what's the problem? Notting Hill Carnival is black, Sikh festivals are Asian and the Chinese New Year is mainly celebrated by, well, do we really need to spell it out, minister? At its best, a multicultural society is one where communities do their own thing. At its worst, it is policed by frightful social engineers who won't be happy until every Proms audience contains its quota of Somalis and gipsy kids are forced to celebrate Diwali.

ACCORDING to the long-range forecast, there's a nasty, cold Easter coming. That's what you get for hitching a Christian festival to pagan worship of the moon.

EASTER, incidentally, can fall on 35 possible dates between March 22 and April 25. This month's is unusually early; we won't see another March 23 Easter until 2160. Yet just three years from now, Easter 2011 will fall on April 24, one of the last possible dates. In 1997 the World Council of Churches suggested fixing Easter at the second Sunday in April. It goes without saying that this was far too sensible to be adopted.

YORKSHIRE-born, I wince at Crufts to see the terrier named after the greatest county of them all. The Yorkshire terrier is a miserable apology for a dog. It looks like a rat with a fringe. In a sane world, the big, bold Airedale terrier would be renamed the Yorkshire terrier and the Yorkie would be reclassified as a hamster, or possibly fitted with a pole as some sort of broom.

* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter's gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.