Best of Peter Rhodes - Feb 22

Here's a selection of the best of the Peter Rhodes column taken from the Express & Star for the week ending February 15.

FROM Leamington Spa comes a tale of a pub preparing to celebrate St George's Day in April.

"How about a pearly king and queen?" suggested one of the regulars.

"No," growled the landlord. "This is about England, not ****ing London."

That's a sentiment you hear more and more.

WHAT will nationalisation mean for the worried employees of Northern Rock? All I can offer is the reflection of an old Geordie miner when, in 1947, the coal industry was taken into government ownership. How did he find things on the first day of the great socialist experiment in nationalisation? "Same bloody bosses," he growled.

THE ORAL test is to be dropped from GCSE language exams on the grounds that it is "too stressful." The oral test is also deeply embarrassing for schools as it reveals to an outside examiner that the kids have spent five years learning damn-all. So why not extend this bold new idea to other subjects? As one who failed maths O-level three times, I can confirm that maths exams are extremely stressful. In an enlightened world, students would have to demonstrate merely that they recognise the numbers one to 10, without being forced into the stressful process of adding, subtracting, dividing and multiplying them. The pass rate would probably double. Whatever that means.

A READER writes: "I suppose it is too much to hope for that the Beijing Olympics will be such a disaster that the London Olympics will be cancelled." This takes the gold in the wishful-thinking event.

OUTBREAK of sanity reported in Warwickshire. Chief Inspector John Timmis, a senior traffic cop with 30 years of experience, tells his local paper that "a little speeding" on good roads does not worry him unduly. But he is almost in despair to see so many people dying in road accidents, just as they were dying five and 10 years ago, through not wearing their seat belts. His force is cracking down on non-wearers this month with plain-clothes spotters and instant, no-argument fixed penalties. Makes more sense than endlessly nicking people doing 35mph on empty roads, doesn't it?

A SNAKEHEAD fish, a terrifying yard-long predator with a face full of fangs, has been caught in Lincolnshire, sparking fears that this south Asian monster may take over our rivers. It would totally ruin the enjoyment of the lardy-arse, umbrella-and-hamper brigade whose idea of competitive angling is catching a two-ounce dace on a 40-foot pole.

WHAT Mr Darling says: "The bank will be run at arm's length."

What Mr Darling means: If Northern Rock makes money it will be entirely due to the Government's financial brilliance. However, someone else will be sacking Northern Rock staff, not us. Honest.

THE NEW citizenship rules announced by Downing Street in an attempt to look tough apply only to non-EU citizens. So while our Commonwealth cousins will have to jump through all sorts of damn silly hoops to prove their loyalty (it seems war memorials don't count any more), any random windscreen-squeegee merchant from the Balkans can stroll right in. I don't remember voting for that.

A TEAM in North Carolina has built the world's first wooden supercar from maple and plywood, and it's faster than a Lamborghini. No surprises, there. Older readers may recall the "wooden wonder," otherwise known as the De Havilland Mosquito bomber. Built entirely of wood in old piano factories, the Mosquito hit 415 mph, outrunning most German fighters and turning Luftwaffe chief Hermann Goering, in his own words "green and yellow with envy." Wood is brilliant stuff. That's why God makes trees out of it.

SOME Members of the European Parliament have had their snouts so far in the trough that officials have hidden the shock report in a secret room behind biometric locks and security guards. A limited number of MEPs may read it but may not take notes and must sign a gagging clause. A Brussels spokesman says: "That is not the same as a secret document nobody can read."

I SAW her. It was definitely her. But I couldn't quite get a photograph. Have you noticed how the Madeleine McCann sightings are exactly like most Loch Ness Monster sightings?

* Has this whetted your appetite for more of Peter's gems? Make sure you read his column every day by picking up a copy of the Express & Star.