Those vuvuzelas are an assault on the senses

When someone told me the vuvuzela, the painful din of the World Cup, was for sale in England I smashed open my piggy bank,

.

I'm going to see if I can raise a bank loan, buy as many as I possibly can, and then bury them in my back garden.

Sorry, I know they're part of the cultural phenomenon of having a World Cup hosted by South Africa, but do they really have to be blaring throughout the game?

I'd rather spend 90 minutes watching the car advert ITV HD played over England's goal.

The South Africans claim the vuvuzela is their twelfth man, which all sounds very nice. But I think the ref should intervene if that twelfth man happens to be fouling every player on the pitch by assaulting his ears.

Still, the upside of it is, it allows England fans to come up with a good excuse for the team's lacklustre performances.

How anyone on the pitch can concentrate with the constant racket is beyond me.

It doesn't so much make me think of three lions on a shirt but instead conjures images of having a wisdom tooth out with no anaesthetic. The drone is like a herd of elephants who have upset a nest of mutant hornets with a giant drill, turned around to run and realised they're cornered by a million mice.

And now I've heard that there's even an app on the Apple iPhone to recreate the sound and it's been downloaded by hundreds of thousands of people.So now not only do I have to put up with this drone during every match on TV I'm going to have to go back to that sadistic dentist because my teeth will find themselves involuntarily grinding themselves down to the roots every time someone sets it off.

Presumably the din from the TV isn't enough and they want to recreate the experience of being in South Africa.But why stop there? If they want to pretend they're with the team why not take up something more melodious like the tuba or the trombone? That way they can play along with the England supporters' band and belt out the Great Escape theme ad nauseum.

At least it's a tune.

If grumpy types like me get our way the vuvuzela could be banned.

And I've got a solution that could appease TV viewers who are fond of it. Push the red button and you can get the alternative commentary where Jonathan Pearce will be watching from his car and leaning on the horn.