Peter Rhodes on teddy bears, panels and dodgy dancing in Whitehall

Somehow, I can't imagine the Mail bunging Johnson hundreds of thousands of pounds a year to drone on about slimming products or the joys of parenting. They will want his unique insight into politics and Boris will deliver the goods. Because he absolutely has to.

And here's one issue he could start with. In the infamous video of Tory staffers partying when the rest of us were locked down, how can people so young dance so badly?

I was wrong in assuming my computer router had been knocked out by lightning. A lady at BT who was so cool, efficient and accurate that I seriously thought she might be an AI program, tested the system and in a couple of minutes had identified a network fault and arranged for the engineers to call and fix it the very next day between 8am-1pm. A text confirmed the appointment, followed by another confirmatory text that “we're sending an engineer to you”. Anyway, no-one turned up, although BT phoned and promised to ring me with an update - two days later. If this is AI, we are doomed.

Researchers in Australia reckon there are about 2.5 billion solar panels in use around the world, including tens of millions in the UK. But they do not last for ever and apparently Britain does not have the capacity to recycle them. I can only assume they will be disposed of in the same way as old mattresses. Isn't that what lay-bys are for?

Meanwhile, it emerges that some solar panels don't work on very hot days. Did the sales people mention this to you? Was it highlighted in the small print? I doubt it. From electric cars to heat pumps and mobile-phone coverage, the reality is not living up to the dream. The New Jerusalem is coming, but not yet.