Peter Rhodes on hate crimes, vile jelly and the cost of a right royal experience

However, we should be aware of the fact that some people, some politics and some practices are so hateful that any reasonable, rational person would instinctively hate them. Somehow, I can't see this ending well.

Still in Scotland, some moaners complain that the newly-launched summer tours of Balmoral at £100 a head (afternoon tea £50 extra) are far too expensive. Yet Balmoral's booking website crashed under the demand and many tours are already sold out. Which suggests the price, if anything, is pitched a bit low.

Greg Doran, former artistic director at the Royal Shakespeare Company and one of our leading theatrical figures, is dead against so-called “trigger alerts,” which warn theatregoers that they might find some part of a production offensive or scary. His advice, speaking to drama students, is simple: “Don’t come if you are worried. If you are anxious – stay away .” Wise words. However, part of the fun of theatre is that you never know quite what's going to happen on the night. I have a friend whose experience of Shaksepeare's gory tale of murder, mayhem and cannibalism, Titus Andronicus, included an overwrought member of the audience suddenly vomiting in the aisle. A night to remember.

And who can forget that press night of King Lear at Stratford a few years ago when Gloucester's eyes were gouged out and the eyeball (“Out, vile jelly!”) squirted into the shocked audience? I should have trigger-warned you about that bit, right?

Meanwhile, an “Inclusive Language Guide” issued by an Edinburgh-based charity, describes “mother” and “father” as “problematic phrases,” and suggests replacing them with “parent” or “guardian.” The document declares: “Only by talking about and reflecting on language can we hope to make it anti-oppressive.”

Or, for that matter, uncle-oppressive?