Peter Rhodes on birds, washing machines and the joys of owning a comical cushion

I am bewildered by the latest pronouncements by military experts warning that Britain cannot defend itself from the latest Russian missiles – as if we ever could.

I recall that, from the 60s to the 90s, the UK had no anti-missile screen but relied on the threat: “You mallet us and we'll mallet you.” This was known as Mutually Assured Destruction or MAD. Its strength came not only from our own nuclear missiles and bombs but from a network of nuke-proof control centres and Royal Observer Corps bunkers. These places, ready for action and permanently manned, quietly made the point that Britain was prepared to survive and function after a nuclear exchange.

One folly of the 1990s, after the Cold War ended, was to demolish or sell off these structures in pursuit of the “peace dividend.” At the time, some of us argued that this was premature but politicians, as a breed, think no further ahead than the next general election. So who looks MAD now?

A survey suggests the washing machine is the most confusing domestic appliance, with 47 per cent of users choosing the same setting every time. I can believe that. My favourite washing-machine setting is OFF. (For real men, the washing machine is the one that looks like a telly with a spinning screen).

Positively the last word on Xmas. As the electronic toys fizzle and fade and even the computer tablet loses its charm, one little present for our grandson, though cheap as chips, has brought more pleasure than all the other fancy stuff combined. Bliss is it to be four years old and to have your very own whoopee cushion. You sit here, Grandad...