Mark Andrews: Soft on crime, tough on mouthy teenagers and why prissy Packham actually has a point

The force certainly sounded very pleased with its collars.

“We don’t tolerate any form of hate and it is important hate crime is reported to us," said a force spokesman.

So that's something else we can add to the ever-growing list of trendy 'hate crimes'.

Now I'm sure what the boys said was unacceptable, they were Birmingham City supporters after all. But when did it become the role of police to enforce standards of decorum at football matches?

In more sensible times, a couple of burly stewards would have grabbed the scallys by the scruff of the neck and thrown them out the ground. Then again, in today's Britain, their parents would probably sue the stewards for assault.

Anyhow, I'm pretty sure that if the lady in question is strong enough to referee a second division football match, she can probably cope with a couple of mouthy teenagers.

* * *

Slightly bonkers Springwatch presenter Chris Packham has written to Ant & Dec demanding an end to animal abuse on I'm A Celebrity.

Well, almost. What he has actually done is written an 'open letter', that old favourite of the terminally pompous, and put it on Twitter.

He says the RSPCA received 17,000 complaints last year about I'm A Celebrity's 'wilful abuse of animals and the reinforcement of negative stereotypes'.

Which begs the question of what sort of drongo telephones the RSPCA to complain about negative animal stereotypes. Certainly, none of the cockroaches I have spoken to had any complaints about their portrayal. You get the odd one or two demanding 25 per cent more screen time, but most are as good as gold.

Yet for all Mr Packham's prissy piety, he has a point. There may have been a time when making Z-list 'personalities' eat live caterpillars on television seemed mildly amusing, but that time was about 2003. And lasted for about 15 minutes.

* * *

In fairness, live creatures are no longer used in the show, so maybe the animal cruelty argument no longer applies. It's the welfare of viewers I'm concerned about.

* * *

The other thing is how many of this year's contestants even remotely qualify as 'celebrities'?

Frankie Dettori, fair enough. Tony Bellew, at a push. Nigel Farage is well known, but I'm not sure you can describe a former Euro-MP as a celebrity. I've vaguely heard of Marvin Humes from X Factor or something, but I wouldn't recognise him if I bumped into him in the street. Other than that, I've never heard of any of them, and doubt I am alone.

Nigel Farage is reputedly getting £1.5 million for his stint in the jungle, which makes you wonder what the programme budget was. About £1.5 million and sixpence?