Mark Andrews: E-scooters, the four-day week and kids who smell of fish

Here's some news that will give heart to beleaguered shopkeepers everywhere. Yes, I know it's annoying watching low-life thieves plunder your stock, and I'm sure you get frustrated when the Old Bill informs you that 'all our officers are tied up at the moment'.

But on the positive side, look at the bigger picture. Our 21st century police service is now taking a proactive stance on insults in the school playground.

Thanks to an excellent investigation by The Times, we now know that in the 12 months up until June this year, police forces in England and Wales recorded more than 13,200 'non-crime hate incidents'. Among these are a nine-year-old girl who called an eight-year-old boy a 'retard', and joked that his mother must have banged his head when he was born. 

Another was for two nine-year-old girls who joked that another pupil 'smelled of fish'. All I can say is they must have their work cut out dealing with the away fans at Grimsby Town games.

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Equally disturbing is the treatment of Allison Pearson, the Sunday Telegraph columnist who too was accused of a 'hate incident' when she got a knock on the door from the boys in blue over something she posted on social media about a year ago.

It's impossible to say whether what she said was actually offensive because the police wouldn't even disclose details of the post they were 'investigating'. 

You can't blame the poor plod sent out to deal with this nonsense, I imagine they're as sick of this nonsense as the rest of us.

It is though, an excellent opportunity for new Home Secretary Yvette Cooper to show us what she's made of, and sort out these idiotic rules brought in by dripping liberal David Cameron. 

First of all, she should order all police forces to stop recording or responding to 'non-crime hate incidents'. The clue's in the name; if it's not a crime, it's no business of the police. Secondly, officers should be instructed to treat so-called 'hate crimes' in the same way as they would treat any other offence. If someone punches you on the hooter, that's an assault, regardless of whether you belong to a 'protected' group or not. If they just post something rude on the internet, that makes them an idiot, but nothing more. Unless, of course, calling someone an 'idiot' is now a non-crime hate incident too. The mind boggles.

Come on Yvette, it's time to live up to your married name.

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Good to see former Wolverhampton MP Emma Reynolds bringing a bit of Midland common sense to an increasingly deranged Westminster.

The work and pensions minister moved quickly to dismiss demands from the civil servants' union for a four-day week, telling them “we are not living in the 1970s”.

Too right, Emma. About time somebody gave them a reality check.

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What are your thoughts when you are forced to dodge one of those 'e-scooters' whizzing down the pavement, or see one cut in front of you while you are trying to drive to work?  Something along the lines of 'why doesn't somebody do something about those death traps before they kill somebody?'

Which of course, they already have. Not that many, admittedly. One pedestrian, and 11 riders in 2022. But enough, particularly considering they are supposed to be illegal, apart from a handful of pilot schemes around the country. Then there's the injuries caused to 1,138 riders, 232 pedestrians and 50 cyclists. 

On the other hand, Transport Secretary Louise Haigh believes they could prove a “really effective part of an integrated transport strategy”.

Well, I suppose, if your strategy is to cause as much mayhem on the roads as you possibly can...