Best of Peter Rhodes – January 27

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

ONE of the many ads for one of the many, many TV cookery programmes began, in all seriousness: "This is as tough as cooking gets." Calm down, boys. it's only a pudding. Any girlie can do it.

A READER, looking sadly in the mirror at the ravages of time, tells me he has long wondered why Cliff Richard, now 71, still has a full head of hair, pearly white teeth and a tummy like a washboard. He reports with some satisfaction: "In a recent TV interview I couldn't help but notice that, like myself and most in my age group, poor Cliff's ears are fast approaching the size of dinner plates."

YOU have to admire the courage of Michael Portillo, Mrs Thatcher's former acolyte now taking us on Great British Railway Journeys (BBC2). He strides cheerfully into depressed, coal-stained areas of the realm asking questions such as: "So what happened to the mining industry around here?" At the time of writing, no-one has yet chopped his head off and stuck it on a stake.

SKY News presenter Colin Brazier has infuriated those of a sensitive nature by suggesting transportation as a means of dealing with Britain's 120,000 "problem families." His idea is to ship them off to the Sandwich Islands in the South Atlantic. Now, I venture to suggest that Brazier is a kindly soul and does not really think any such thing but is merely being provocative in order to make a point about a big national issue. The problem these days is that large numbers of Britons have lost all sense of humour and proportion and seem to delight in taking offence at anything. Sure enough, The Howard League for Penal Reform solemnly responds to Brazier's view with: "There is a world of difference in the state intervening to improve troubled communities and the state intervening to deport our citizens to far-flung corners of the globe."Well, of course there is. There is also a huge gap between wickedness and satire. Let us all get real.

ON THE other hand, if the Sandwich Islands are available, there is one group of society who might be very happy there, on condition we did the decent, humane thing and prepared the infrastructure for them. Velodromes, cycle lanes. That sort of thing.

IF THEY ban potholing, will it be forced underground?

AN emailer to the American station CNN News suggests there should be a brief quiz on the front of every ballot form which must be answered correctly before entering the booth: "People would have to actually prepare and learn something before voting." An educated electorate? It would mean the end of the USA as we know it.

HEROISM, like food, is a cultural thing. Even as the damning evidence emerged from the Costa Concordia affair, some Italians persisted in regarding the disgraced Captain Francesco Schettino as a hero. A Facebook page in support of him attracted more than 2,600 endorsements. In some cultures appearances are everything and Schettino, with his smart uniform, shock of black hair and shiny white teeth, looked every inch the hero. It was the same with the former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi. Most of the world saw him as a preposterous old goat. But to many Italian men he was a hero in a tradition of heroism based largely on appearance, bombast, success with younger women and gold medallions. When you try to explain that the British idea of a hero is Captain Scott who lost the race to the south pole and then perished wretchedly in a tent with his comrades, some cultures simply do not understand. And why should they?

ANYWAY, whatever the authorities do to Schettino, one thing is so deep-rooted in Italian culture that it is absolutely guaranteed. To his Momma, he will always be a hero.

FARMING Today (Radio 4) on Wednesday featured the upbeat views of a Shropshire farmer who is delighted with this mild winter. His animals are grazing on lush grass in January and saving him a fortune on feed and antibiotics. That's right, Auntie Beeb was broadcasting the politically incorrect message that global warming might actually be a good thing. I dare say there will be a full inquiry.