Mark Andrews: I'm not one of Carol's 'special friends', MP's Summer of Sex, and the Tesco shopping revolution

Actually, I’m doing her a disservice. She’s now telling Vanessa Feltz that ‘times are hard’, and she’s down to three ‘friends with benefits’, from a peak of ‘five or six’ a while ago. She doesn’t specify whether the retired astronaut is still among them. You need to ask these questions, Vanessa.

But really, can you imagine anything more tedious than being one of Carol’s ‘special friends’? All-night lectures about tactical voting, and marketing slogans for payday loans. “Oh Carol, say that again, I love it when you talk Brexit to me.”

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Actually, I think if I were in any kind of friendship with Carol, benefits or not, an astronaut would be a pretty good career choice. You don’t have to listen to much with that helmet on, and you’ve got the perfect excuse when she starts going off on one.

“I would really love to stop and listen to your thoughts on Welsh devolution Carol, but I’ve got a spaceship to catch. See you in three months.”

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On the other hand, South Derbyshire MP Samantha Niblett, sounds much more fun. With a name like that, she’d be nailed on for the leading role in a Carry On film.

Mrs Niblett is calling for a ‘summer of sex’, and wants MPs to bring their sex toys into parliament. A bit like the last day of term at primary school, when you could bring in board games and Dinky cars.

Will tractor porn be allowed this time? It is a designated debate, after all.

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Mrs Niblett, by the way, describes herself as being ‘Blue Labour’. I’ll bet.

“This is about taking control of our patriotism, our Britishness,” she adds, puzzlingly. What does she have in mind, Union Jack boxer shorts?

Not everyone is mad about the idea though. Lucy Powell, deputy leader of the Labour Party, claims she doesn’t own a sex toy. That’s what they all say. Kemi Badenoch thinks it’s all rather silly, and suggests we focusing on the more serious stuff instead. I bet she brought her books into school on the last day of term.

Mrs Niblett is undeterred, and says it must be a cross-party event. Which I suppose is something of a relief in this day of age. I bet Boris wishes he was still in the chamber. Oo-er, matron.

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Tesco has announced it is going to be launching ‘one of the most revolutionary retailing improvements in decades’.

And what might that be? Tackling shoplifters? Stocking shelves with the items advertised? Trolleys that go in the direction they are pulled?

Not quite. They are replacing bar codes with QR codes, those little square things made up of lots of little dots. I hope you can cope with the excitement.