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Doreen Tipton: The fight back starts today!

Weekend | Published:

Fellow Yam-Yams, honorary Yam-Yams, Brummies and other foreigners, today is a very special day for me. Ever since I went to London as a kid and saw that statue of Lord Nelson, I’ve always dreamt about having my own column. And finally, here it is.

Doreen's saying it like it is

This newspaper has even lent me a word processor to do it on, to save me having to get my neighbour Doris to write it out long-hand. It’s proving a bit slow, because the computer doesn’t let me write in local dialect, and stupidly they haven’t put the keys in alphabetic order, but I think I’m getting the hnag of it.

So, over the coming weeks I’ll be analysing the state of the nation and telling it how it is, commenting on all manner of very tropical subject matters – politics, scandals, the NHS, crisps – you name it. And, unlike other columnists, I won’t be hindered by the curse of Political Correctness – or, as it’s usually known in the Black Country, lying. That’s because I don’t care if I get sacked. The welfare has always been very good to me.

Sadly, I’ve already missed out on the chance to comment on a couple of recent big patriotic events. There was the Royal Wedding, of course, in which Prince Harry proved that being a ginger role model with a beard needn’t be a disability when he married his beautiful bride, Meghala Maniak. And before that we had Eurovision, where once again the UK entry managed to live up to its full potential by coming nearly bottom. I’m not even sure why we were in the competition, as we’d voted Brexit. Presumably it’s just for a transition period until Theresa May negotiates entry to other song competitions in China, America and the rest of the world, where they wouldn’t impose such harsh tariffs on our pop music.

Anyway, I’m sure there’ll be plenty of other big topics to have my say on in the coming weeks, not least in the world of politics.

I recently launched the world’s first virtual political party on Facebook, for folk that hate politics, politicians and political correctness – in fact anything with the word ‘political’ in it. The Yam-Yam Party will be the voice of the people – the forgotten souls who look on in awe as their so-called leaders seem increasingly desperate to prove that common sense is now over-rated.

So, my first act as leader will be to appoint a Shadow Minister for Common Sense, whose brief will be to sort stuff and to not ponce about. And in this column I’ll also be spelling out Yam Yam Party policies which will solve all the big issues of the day. This will include a handy Black Country guide to negotiating Brexit using just two words, policies for getting more money into the NHS without charging eighty-six quid parking to visit a sick relative, a way to solve the problem of over-crowding in prisons by turning whole cities into prisons (I have a few earmarked for the trials), and a new law that would make it a hate crime to take offence at a joke that a random jury of 12 Black Country folk in a pub think is funny. Especially serious crimes, like trying to get somebody else sacked just because you’re a PC zombie with no sense of humour, will receive the most severe punishment – being locked in a cell for up to a week with The Chuckle Brothers.

But that’s just the beginning. Because rather than try and ignore your views like most politicians, the Yam Yam Party actually wants to hear your thoughts. So if you have any suggestions for our manifesto, a topic you’d like to see covered, a scandal you want investigating, a conspiracy theory only you believe in, a wrong that needs writing, or a right that needs wronging, email me: lazycow@doreen.tv

Mark Twain said that ‘Politicians and nappies should be changed often, and for the same reasons’. He was right.

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Before I go – a quick history lesson for the politicians. Democracy has been around a long time. It started in the fifth century BC. That’s 500 years before the birth of Corbyn.

The word ‘Democracy’ comes directly from two Ancient Greek words: Demos . . . meaning people, and Kratos . . . meaning power. Demos Kratos. Democracy.

It literally means People Power. It does not mean, power to the politicians. They’d do well to remember that.

The fight back begins today. It’ll be fun. See you next week.

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Tarra a bit. X

Dear Doreen…

I’ve worked hard all my life, and I’m worried I’m going to lose my house and life savings to pay for care when I get old. Got any tips?

Denise from Wednesbury

Doreen says: Denise love, remember, this is England, so the one foolproof way to guarantee that you never lose your house is not to own it. Renting is always cheaper – just make sure it’s not you that’s paying the rent.

PLEASE NOTE: Doreen is not regulated by the FSA.

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