Eurovision - brilliant or boring? The big debate on the real referendum

Every year families and couples are put to the ultimate test - are we watching the Ruovision this year?

Are you for or against? Read Kirsty Bosley and Pete Cashmore thrash it out then vote in our poll!

Kirsty Bosley on Euro-brilliance

When I learned that Justin Timberlake was set to play the Eurovision Song Contest, I approached Pete Cashmore, our in-house hater, and threw my arms in the air.

It was a victory for Eurovision lovers, and I happily revelled in the gloating opportunity.

Did we need any more conclusive proof that the contest is brilliant? Because if we did, we got it when the Rock Your Body singer confirmed that he'd be performing in a non-competitive role in Stockholm tomorrow. Cry Me A River, Pete.

Not only will the 35-year-old heartthrob perform during the interval (Justin, not Pete), but he'll be the first artist ever to do so, independently.

JT aside, how can anyone hate the Eurovision Song Contest? It's a celebration of music from all across the continent, as well as being a great excuse for a party.

And while we all acknowledge that it's so heavily embroiled in politics, it shouldn't effect our enjoyment on the night.

The fundamental reason why, booze aside, is quite simple. Music is one of the few art forms that transcends language, uniting us in feeling and emotion, no matter the lyrics. Remember when Moldovan pop music trio O-Zone released the song Dragostea Din Tei in 2004? That song reached number three in our charts, despite very few of us having the ability to speak Romanian. All summer, we sang that catchy bit that sounds like 'numa-numa-ay'. We could have been singing anything.

Having the opportunity to sit down and listen to what various countries have to offer, musically, brings me incalculable joy. Though this is coming from the girl that enjoys watching the opening ceremonies of Olympic games more than the sporting events themselves. But what I have learned, is that it's not the winning that counts, it's about taking part.

The really sad thing about Eurovision is that we aren't taking it seriously. Instead of putting in our best performers and songwriters, we pitch for people that haven't even won us over, let alone the rest of Europe. Some people think that we haven't taken home the crown for 14 years because we're politically unpopular. I say that's not our only problem. The main reason is that we haven't bothered showcasing anyone good enough.

Sandie Shaw won it for us first in 1967, with Puppet on a String. Lulu was the second Brit to reign supreme two years later with Boom Bang-a-Bang loud in our ears. Brotherhood of Man snatched a win with Save Your Kisses for Me in 1976, followed by Bucks Fizz's Making Your Mind Up in 1981. Katrina and the Waves did us proud in 1997 with Love, Shine a Light. Since then, we haven't really put in any game changers.

Maybe now that Justin is turning out for it, things will become more aspirational.

The reason I believe that so many of us hate Eurovision is because we're not winning. And as a nation, we're sore losers.

But this is something that could be rectified.

Let's say we put in Ed Sheeran. Not even Germany could give us 'nil point'. The Eurovision Song Contest is great, it's just us who ruin it by giving less than our best, and by criticising it when we don't win.

I suggest doing what I do when it's on on Saturday. Grab a few European beers, a few mates, a few flags and enjoy yourself. Lord knows there are very few excuses to do so any more. And with Justin Timberlake performing, we're all winners anyway, regardless of the outcome.

Pete Cashmore on Euro-boredom

I'm aware that going in studs-first on the Eurovision Song Contest is as pointless as trying to wrestle smoke.

After all, even the people who like Eurovision, don't even like Eurovision. Its only function nowadays is to act as a backdrop for drunken theme parties where the attendants down Prosecco and roar with laughter at a Lithuanian approximation of a power ballad.

The sad fact is, Eurovision has gone from being an agreeable provider of bubblegum pop music directly responsible for the rise of the magnificent Abba, to a pleasantly abominable object of derision, to what it has now become: An attritional conveyor belt of aggregationally bog-standard bilge. It isn't even entertainingly terrible any more. And even if it were, it no longer has the majesty of Terry Wogan on hand to gently mock it for its blanket awfulness. It's just a bunch of nobodies singing nothing songs that sound like they belong in a 1980s advert for Gillette razors.

A few inches to the left of this piece, my work mucker Kirsty Bosley is arguing that this year's Eurovision is unmissable, because of the presence of Justin Timberlake.

But I would argue that all Justin is going to do is make this year's inevitable procession of hopelessness look even more duff.

Fact: The last good song to come out of Eurovision was Bucks Fizz's Making Your Mind Up, and one suspects that even that wouldn't have stuck in the memory as long as it has, were it not for the bit when Cheryl and Jay have their skirts whipped off. We all vaguely remember that Katrina and the Waves won it, in 1997, but I challenge you to be able to so much as hum their effort.

The following year, we had an Israeli transvestite with a full beard (again, I doubt if anyone could recite a line from Dana International's Diva) and in 2006, a Finnish metal band dressed as orcs called Lordi, who won purely because their song was called 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' and they were dressed as orcs. Those are the only ones anyone remembers, in 35 years.

Possibly apart from Johnny Logan.

It's pointless the UK entering nowadays, since a) we never win and b) our entries seem to somehow manage to be just that little bit worse than the rest of Europe's. Indeed, last year's effort by Electro Velvet was so bad that it passed through being 'so bad it's good', continued all the way through 'no really, it's that bad', and ended up achieving levels of appallingness so intense that they can only be detected by bats.

The song in question was so spellbindingly duff that it reached number 114 in the charts, in an age when I could release a limited edition cassette single of myself playing the theme from University Challenge on the kazoo and reasonably expect to make the top 100.

Our other problem is that we keep letting on-the-wane stars like Blue (2011), Englebert Humperdinck (2012) and Bonnie Tyler (2013) come back for one last crack at redemption, thereby violating the very point of pop music's in-built obsolescence.

This year our entry is two young gentlemen called Joe and Jake, a pair so bland and inoffensive that it is possible to forget what they look like while you are actually staring at a photo of them.

Joe and Jake were united during the fourth series of BBC1's The Voice, and if ever there was a more persuasive argument for the total abolition of the TV licence fee, then I am yet to hear it.

Nope, in 2016, Eurovision's sole function is as the backdrop for a drinking game and it will never produce another Abba as long as it lives, which is hopefully not for long. Sometimes, you have to admit that something isn't 'so bad it's good' – it's just terrible.

Since Katrina And The Waves won in 1997, the UK's entries have been all kinds of awful, says Pete Cashmore. Here are the very worst of them.

1. Jemini – Cry Baby (0 points, last place)

Historical for all the wrong reasons. The first English language Eurovision entry to score zero points. The only UK entry to score zero points. Jemini's performance put the 'gone down' in 'gone down in history' – woefully off-key, a horrendously duff song hamstrung further by the fact that neither 'vocalist' could hear the backing track. Worth every last one of those 'nul points'.

2. Electro Velvet – I'm Still In Love With You (5 pts, 24th)

Absolutely, unequivocally the worst song of all time, indeed possibly the worst thing ever. A psychotically jaunty melding of ragtime jazz and modern dance rhythms, it proves beyond doubt that nobody should ever try to meld ragtime jazz and modern dance rhythms. Contains the lyric: "Well, don't get on the wrong train / Don't fly in an old plane / Don't go out in the pouring rain / You might get wet / I'd be upset." Unforgivable.

3. Josh Dubovie –That Sounds Good To Me (10 pts, 25th)

All together now: Well, it didn't sound good to the rest of Europe, did it? Josh looked about nine, and his song was written by two-thirds of Stock, Aitken and Waterman. Well, it turns out that Aitken must have been the talented one.

4. Englebert Humperdinck – Love Will Set You Free (12 pts, 25th)

Really, what were we thinking? With all the talent at our disposal in the UK, we chose to wheel out a vocalist who wasn't even cool in the 1960s. And everyone was cool in the 1960s! Our mothers swooned – the rest of Europe simply thought, "What on Earth is going on with that old man's hair?"

5. Andy Abraham – Even If (14 pts, joint last)

There are reasons why he didn't win his series of The X Factor. Here's one of them. In a way, the wheeling out of Andy was even more perplexing because we could have voted for sassy, delightful Michelle Gayle, but instead we went for the reality TV show loser. We made a rod for our own backs with that decision, we really did.

6. Scooch – Flying The Flag (For You) (19 pts, 22nd)

Technically, Javine did worse in 2005 by one point, but we can't let this one pass. Their 'angle' was that they dressed like flight attendants – because they were FLYING the flag, you see! – and their performance certainly had most people reaching for the sick bags. In style terms, they made Steps sound like Led Zeppelin. The worst song of all time (apart from Electro Velvet, obviously).