Pete Cashmore: All Rhodes need to roam

The estimable Mr Rhodes is off on his travels this week, proving the old adage that 'all Rhodes need to roam', and so you have me instead. Which is a bit like being told that the filet mignon is off, but they can do you some cold Spam. I asked why I had been selected to step in and was told: "Partly for your ready wit, partly for your ceaseless intelligence, but mainly because it means we only have to change one word on the graphic."

SO. Another week, another social media crusade. The #turnyournoseup campaign consists of celebrities like Sting (obviously) and Sir Roger Moore (I admit I didn't see that one coming) posting 'selfies' on Twitter of themselves poking their noses up so they look a bit piggy, to draw attention to the pigs that become our food being raised in poor(k) conditions. The public are invited to follow suit, to further 'raise awareness of this issue'. This is actually a modern phenomenon of what is known as 'virtue signalling', in which the selfie-taker raises precisely no awareness whatsoever, but crucially GIVES THE IMPRESSION THAT THEY WANT TO. And so they can feel the warm glow of self-congratulation, having achieved nothing. Well done everyone, ethical bacon butties all round.

Social media isn't just there for annoying self-obsessed people though, sometimes it does genuine good. Just ask the pupils of Arkansas School For The Deaf in Little Rock, USA, in particular their Leopards basketball team, whose online petition, brilliantly, persuaded Sheffield soft-rock band Def Leppard to call in during their US tour for a photo opportunity. And so Def Leppard got to hang with some Deaf Leopards. THAT'S the way to do it.

On the subject of which... In today's one-off 'I Could Have Told You That Would Happen Eventually Corner', a Barry Island funfair has pulled a proposed Punch And Judy show on the grounds that it 'trivialises violence', an act of PC insanity as inevitable as the ebb and flow of the Barry tide. What next? The Muppets being banned because Miss Piggy is prone to karate-chopping? Or is that – here it comes – an ethical pork chop?

The idea that Punch And Judy would influence anyone's behaviour is absurd and makes me fume. In fact, I got so angry when I read it that I beat my laptop to pieces with a stick and fed them to my pet crocodile.

Another Mr Punch, boxing charmer Tyson Fury has been literally on the offensive again, unleashing a volley of low blows against transgender people, Jews and, most sickeningly of all, journalists (are there no levels to which this man will not stoop?). Honestly, if you can't look to a not-especially-smart man who gets walloped in the head for a living for reasoned opinion...

Can anyone adequately explain what a 'booking fee' of the type now summarily pegged onto the end of a theatre or concert ticket is actually for? As far as I can tell, it enables me to pay for the privilege of paying for something, which I find a tad off-putting. "Haddock and chips? That's £4.50 plus a 50p ordering fee, please." Still, bums are nonetheless ending up on seats, which makes me think: If they re-branded the now-famous £60 fine for parents taking their children off on their holibobs during term time as a 'holiday booking fee', maybe more would be willing to pay it.

It's Tuesday. Can anyone remember what Saturday's Eurovision winner sounds like? Nope, me neither.

Any thoughts on my debut column can be emailed to the address below, marked: "WHO IS THIS POLTROON? BRING RHODES BACK IMMEDIATELY!"