Matt Hancock is swapping one jungle for another

As Matt Hancock lies up to his neck in kangaroo poo as he is tasked with gnawing on something unmentionable except on prime time television while other contestants throw similarly unmentionable stuff in his face (just an idea, but ITV producers please note) he will console himself with one thought.

Matt Hanock is desperate to be loved
Matt Hanock is desperate to be loved

At least I'm not in the jungle, he will say to himself. The Westminster jungle, that is.

And he better get used to being up to his neck in kangaroo poo, because going on to I'm A Celebrity is something which will guarantee a politician votes, and he can expect to get lots and lots of them from viewers when it comes to trial time.

Soon he is going to be the most voted-for politician in the entire country.

Now he can kid himself that going on to the reality show will give him a platform to introduce members of the public to politics in a novel manner, but he's wasting his time.

Even if he does get into a serious and meaningful political debate with one of the other contestants it will probably end up on the cutting room floor, or whatever the modern equivalent is.

No, the producers and the public don't want a politician in there to be talking about politics. They want him or her in there to be ****ed on, and ****ed on regularly.

The other thing Matt can kid himself is the notion that "I want to show the public the real me." Again, that is not necessarily an aspiration a politician should be aiming for, but of course it all depends on what the "real me" turns out to be.

In Westminster the "real me" may well be light, inconsequential, and quite possibly not very competent. In such circumstances the "real me" is not something to be readily divulged, and it makes more sense to imitate one of their heroes like Churchill, Thatcher, Blair, Brown, Bevin, Bevan, Baldwin, Balfour, Bonar Law... sorry, keyboard got stuck on b.

In other words, put on an act. If it impresses the punters, such acts can take them far, but the fear of being found out is always there.

A nest of vipers, full of creepy-crawlies and with ridicule and mockery just one covertly taken photo away, Parliament is a tough environment. Have you noticed how even black widow spiders and 'gators give it a miss?

Which takes us on seamlessly to the subject of big game hunting.

After the fun of the Get Boris! safari when Big Beast Boris was brought down with a satisfying thud after a long chase, there was rather less fun with Liz Truss, because she was the political equivalent of a Canada Goose, although readers of an ornithological bent may correct me and tell me I have got my bird species wrong.

But if I am right then Canada Geese, or whatever species it is that I am thinking of, were introduced to this country as game birds to be shot for sport, but proved a big disappointment. That was because they didn't play the game. They were so easy to shoot that there was no sport to be had. So they stopped shooting the unsporting Canada Geese, which went on to flourish and multiply.

I can't say that Liz Truss has actually flourished but the Get Liz! safari was short lived and no self-respecting politician or media hack can take any pride in such an easy success. Get Boris! was far more exciting as he was full of tricks, cunning, and distraction techniques.

But reload your elephant guns because we're off on safari again with Get Suella! From the evidence of security-risk-Suella's initial wriggling and evasive manoeuvres, the indications are that she will offer some great sport, which means there will be real competition to bring her down. Those hunters who try and fail will hold their manhood, and womanhood as appropriate, cheap.

What will do it? Will it be her carelessness in sending emails? Or the migration crisis? Tricky one. The former doesn't seem that substantial. And on the latter, she might have an awkward response – "Well, what would you do about it?"

The answer "hold talks with the French" doesn't quite seem to cut it when as many as almost 1,000 are crossing the Channel in a single day.

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