Express & Star

Peter Rhodes on The Enchanted Doorsteps, a held-up parcel and the right name for our flag

Read today's column from Peter Rhodes.

Published
Jo Swinson – bossy?

I really must start work on the best-selling book for next Christmas which I will call The Enchanted Doorsteps. It is based on politicians who, in the weeks before December 12, trudged from door to door to whip up support for their parties. The magical thing is that when they stood on The Enchanted Doorsteps and talked to people, the politicians didn't hear anything negative.

Thus, Boris Johnson heard nobody suggest he should steer clear of blondes. Jeremy Corbyn didn't hear anyone say his specs didn't fit. And Jo Swinson never heard the slightest whisper that she looked and sounded like a bossy teacher.

Clive Lewis, the MP contesting the Labour leadership, had his own Enchanted Doorstep moments. He claims the voters told him they were not convinced that Labour had made a decisive break with the Blair era and they wanted even more Left-wing policies. Which – surprise, surprise – is exactly what Mr Lewis is offering. The magic just goes on and on.

When the BBC finally loses its licence income and its bosses are blubbing and wondering where it all went wrong, just direct them to this week's edition of Open Country on Radio 4. According to the BBC website, Open Country is a “Countryside magazine featuring the people and wildlife that shape the landscape of the British Isles.” Yet this episode was “Bristol and the Transatlantic Slave Trade.” It had nothing to do with barley, badgers or bullocks but was yet another right-on, tub-thumping, Empire-bashing tirade against the evils of slavery. No-one disputes that terrible things were done in the slave trade, nor that some English gentlemen made enormous fortunes on the proceeds of misery. But when the Beeb starts hi-jacking Open Country for yet another preachy little sermon on past sins in big cities, it merely irritates the people who pay its wages.

At the time of writing, Hermes has had one of my Xmas parcels for eight days and for the past six days has been promising: “It's on its way.” I don't know whether I am more irritated by the delay or pleased that Hermes understands apostrophes.

A reader suggests that if Scotland votes for independence (don't put money on it), the rest of the UK would have to redesign the Union Jack, removing the Scottish cross. Bunkum. It's our flag, representing our history. If Scotland left, we would keep the Union Jack intact. I bet we would also continue to call ourselves the United Kingdom.

PS: Before you reach for the keyboard to claim the Union Jack should be called the Union Flag unless it is flown from the jack staff of a ship, that's bunkum, too. Wherever it's flown and whatever the staff, it is perfectly correct to call it the Union Jack. Here's a New Year resolution for 2020: Pedantry – let's have fewer of it.