Peter Rhodes on nativity gold, a toxic referendum and a motorised dog poo

Ding-dong. A reader reports posting his routine NHS bowel-cancer test and getting the (negative) result just four days later which was as cheering as any Xmas card. It's a seasonal reminder that there are parts of the NHS that work brilliantly and efficiently every day of the year. It's just that nobody ever talks about them.

Remember when the miracles of miniaturisation and remote-control broke on an astonished world. Remember all the wonderful creations we imagined the new technology would bring? With such amazing devices coupled to human ingenuity surely we would make the lame walk and the blind see and bring a new and purposeful existence to the frail and housebound?

Well, it didn't entirely work out like that, did it? My eye was caught by an online advert for the ultimate hi-tech stocking filler. It is the Remote Control Speed Poo (£6.99), a startlingly accurate representation of a dog poo. Unlike the real thing, it comes with a tiny electric motor and a handset. The idea is that you plant the plastic poo on the carpet and wait for the horrified reaction of whoever finds it. Next, as they approach it with brush, bucket and floor spray, you press the remote control and send the poo whizzing across the floor. Here is a perfect example of mankind's imperfect sense of priorities. Tomorrow we will make the blind see. In the meantime, it's my turn with the plastic poo.

Talking of Christmas presents, isn't it strange that the biblical account of the first Xmas gifts, gold, frankincense and myrrh, never addresses the most obvious question of all, the one we would all have asked, had we been there: how much gold? Did the Wise Men bring a single King Herod Bar-Mitzvah commemorative denarius or was the gift a shedload of gold bullion to set the holy family up for life? You might care to take this up with your vicar.

The greatest Xmas gift for Scotland, if you believe the SNP, would be another referendum on independence from the UK, the so-called Indyref2. Seriously? Boris Johnson's refusal is based on the fact that the 2014 Referendum was supposed to be a “once in a generation” event. There was good reason for that. The 2014 campaign was toxic and the result, a hefty majority to remain, was horribly damaging to Scotland, driving a wedge between friends, neighbours and even family members. The bitterness and scars endure and Boris would not want to go down in history as the Englishman who unleashed a re-run of all that nastiness among the Scots. Whatever the activists claim, I bet a majority of Scots are hoping he will stand firm against the referendum lobby.

And finally. This column would never appear without your help. I am blessed with a great bunch of readers whose ideas are a constant source of inspiration, and sometimes irritation. Many thanks to you all and my best wishes for a very Merry Christmas.