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Peter Rhodes on golf in the nave, cops in a septic tank and the dangers of an unknown terrorist

By Peter Rhodes | Peter Rhodes | Published:

Read today's column from Peter Rhodes.

Anyone for golf?

THE fevered logic behind some computer spell-checks never fails to amaze. I typed "supercharger." The spell-check suggested the word I really wanted was "Schopenhauer ."

CAN anybody imagine a more revolting, traumatic or nausea-inducing job than that faced by police in Worcestershire a few days ago as they recovered human remains from a septic tank in the search for a woman who went missing 37 years ago? Sometimes, some of us envy the pay and pensions of the police service. And sometimes we don't.

CAN you imagine the fury if the authorities installed a crazy-golf course in the middle of Stonehenge or the Avebury Circle, or built a ski run on the Cerne Abbas giant? We may not share the beliefs of the people who created these ancient structures but there is a certain power and dignity about them. They are our cultural heritage and national treasures. And so are Britain's cathedrals, abbeys and minsters, even though we are no longer a religious society. You don't need to be a dedicated Anglican to be appalled at the "adventure golf" course set up in the nave of Rochester Cathedral during the school holidays. The clergy point to the miniature bridges and witter on about people "reflecting on the bridges that need to be built in their own lives" but it really doesn't wash. This is a gross error of judgment, patronising ordinary people and causing needless offence to believers.

ONE comment about the cathedral's golf course still puzzles me: "There's not even a model windmill to putt through. Total embarrassment!" He's either a super-dedicated crazy-golf fan or simply being ironic. Where's a good emoji when you need one?

A COURT has ruled that a teenage jihadist who ran a plot to decapitate a police officer must never be named or identified. What could possibly go wrong? Imagine, ten or 20 years from now, the staff at the JobCentre being puzzled by this earnest man who is desperate to find employment, but only in a strangely limited number of places. Ideally, he wants to work in a police station, an explosives factory or a kosher restaurant. Nobody knows why. Nobody can tell them why.

GRETA Thunberg, the teenage Swedish eco-activist, is to attend two climate conferences in New York. She'll be travelling not on dirty, smoky airliners but on the Malizia II, a 60-foot racing yacht which is claimed to be carbon-neutral. The news of this voyage has propelled Greta and her trademark pigtails back into the headlines. But isn't this the ideal opportunity for her to address the conferences by video link, without travelling anywhere?

A READER recently flexed his ire at the Americanism now heard in so many British restaurants: "Can I get a coffee?" A Daily Telegraph reader encountered this wonderfully extended version: "Could I get the full English breakfast, but could I not get mushrooms with that?"

Peter Rhodes

By Peter Rhodes

Award-winning columnist and blogger. Keeping an eye on the tribulations and trivia of a fast-changing world

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