Peter Rhodes on cheeky place names, barcodes on bottoms and the moment when fear changes sides

FOLLOWING the recent furore caused by the Scottish Maritime Museum referring to ships as "it" rather than "she," a reader asks: "What is the recommendation as regards buoys?"

BY pure chance, my invitation for unlikely institutions in improbable locations (the cystitis centre at Wyre Piddle, etc) coincided with a bizarre 2,000-mile trip around Britain by two brothers, Andy and Magnus Tair, who visited particularly cheekily-named places. Apparently the most scenic places were both in the New Forest: Pound Bottom and Sandy Balls.

IN the meantime, a reader directs me to the National Speech Therapy Headquarters in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwymdrobwyllantysiliogogogoch.

A RADIO reporter in Venezuela declared that the revolution had not yet reached the stage "when fear changes sides." What a brilliantly vivid and concise description. There's a moment in any revolution when the forces of the ruling regime realise the game is up. The people no longer fear them; they fear the people. The dispatch from Venezuela reminded me of footage from Tehran during the 1979 revolution when a soldier of the Shah took one look at the advancing mob, realised that opening fire was no longer an option and simply laid down his rifle as the crowd swept past

AND now, yet another plan to pay for care of the elderly. Former Tory minister Damian Green, suggests a surcharge to National Insurance contributions. It might help. But nothing suggested so far is quite as brilliant as my own 3B Plan. Life expectancy based on gender, genetics, family income and other factors, can be roughly predicted and, once we know how long we're likely to live, we and the authorities can plan much better. So the moment a baby is delivered and its outlook assessed, it is indelibly marked for life with its likely expiry date. The abbreviation 3B stands for Barcodes on Babies' Bottoms. You read it here first.

AS the climate-emergency fad rattles on, the date when the UK may become carbon-neutral varies from 2025 to 2040 and 2050. You might pop down to the bookies and see what odds you can get on carbon-neutral being achieved before or after John Bercow resigns as Speaker.

A FAD? Of course it's a fad. Some of the politicians in Westminster, Wales and Scotland slapping their own backs for voting that climate change is an emergency are the same people who vote for more airports and more runways and who greet every new discovery of oil or natural gas as wonderful news.

KEEPING cats indoors would save half a million birds a week, according to Tony Duckett, conservation officer for royal parks in London. But it's not always that simple. Next door's cats are now 10 months old. In the past few weeks, as their hunting skills have improved, grey squirrels, the most ruthless eaters of eggs and killers of baby birds, have virtually vanished. If a referendum could be held among the local songbirds (admittedly no easy task) I bet they'd vote to keep the cats and lose the squirrels.