Peter Rhodes on Scotland's green pledge, a rock band's carbon footprint and the case for magic wands

DON'T you just hate it when somebody else jumps the gun in the virtue-signalling stakes? There was Jeremy Corbyn, all primed and ready to demand that Parliament today accepts the description of climate change as an emergency. And three days before his keynote moment, which would have made Labour the first party to make such a demand, Nicola Sturgeon grabs the glory by declaring a climate emergency at the SNP Conference and promising that Scotland will "lead by example."

IF you read the small print, neither Corbyn nor Sturgeon are promising anything dramatic or unconditional, probably because both of them know that a sudden rush to become carbon-neutral would harm their economies, cost jobs and infuriate the unions. As the anti-Brexit lobby are always telling us, "nobody voted to be worse off."

BEHIND all the talk of a "green industrial revolution" is the faith that says just around the corner are zero-carbon technologies which will save the planet while creating millions of jobs and boosting our prosperity. But why are they taking so long to arrive? And how many wind turbines, for example, would it take to run a steel mill, a car factory or HS2? Wrinkled old cynics like me tend to believe that if there were a fortune to be made from a clean, green Industrial Revolution Mk 2, some hard-nosed global capitalists would be making it by now.

MEANWHILE, the founder of Massive Attack, Robert Del Naja, accepts ruefully that the band's next American tour will generate 500 tons of carbon dioxide. What's that in terms of flatulent cows?

IT would be hard enough to go zero-carbon if the goal posts stayed in the same place. But they don't. According to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics, in mid-2017 the population of the UK was an estimated 66 million. The population is projected to continue growing, reaching almost 73 million by 2041. So that's seven million extra souls to feed, shelter, water, keep warm and provide employment for. And we're going to do it using less energy? Break out the magic wands.

LAST stop on our Suffolk trip was Snape Maltings, cultural centre of East Anglia and a venue for all things classical, folksy and chic. If you wonder where people are spending money these days, look no further than the craft shop, patronised by people who think £27 is a fair price for a small milk jug, and indulge their offspring in a range of children's play kits: the den kit, the pirate-crew kit and the pond-dipping kit. In my youth I made several dens, served on a number of pirate ships and dipped - or fell - in lots of ponds. You don't need kits, just friends.