Express & Star

Peter Rhodes on nasty neighbours in the Caliphate, dodgy instructions and mistaking phone conmen for Santa

Read today's column from Peter Rhodes

Published
Moved - Shamima Begum

AS the particle physicists among you will know, a phenomenon known as quantum superposition suggests that one particle can exist in two places at the same time. According to the big whopper on the online computer tracking service, my new extendable ladder was dropped off at my address at 8.41pm on Friday yet miraculously at 9.07pm was back at the depot five miles away. This sort of thing happens only in particle physics, and courier delivery.

IN the great tradition of dodgy instructions, those for the ladder include: "Each rung of your ladder has two locking pins are blocked, the automatically inserted into the slots up the uprights in place when the ladder is extended." No problems there, then.

IT goes without saying that if there were a decent DIY shop within walking distance, I would have bought the ladder there. Who cannot be moved, in these cash-strapped times, by those little "Support Small Businesses" stickers in shop windows? But the shop I wanted to visit a couple of days ago had another sticker, too. It read : "Closed for lunch 1pm-2pm". If proprietors choose to shut up shop for an hour in the busiest part of the day, how much support do they expect, or deserve?

AND on to one of those new and fashionable establishments, the temperance bar, which seems to be enjoying a hipster-inspired revival. Booze-free bars must be a steep learning curve for staff raised in our beery Brit-culture. Even so, I was surprised that the lady behind the bar had never heard of Sarsaparilla.

THE jihadi bride Shamima Begum famously told the media that she was aware of prisoners being publicly beheaded in the Islamic State but "from what I heard, Islamically that is all allowed so I was okay with it." She has now been moved from one refugee camp to another, following alleged death threats from other refugees. And those deaths threats - are they "Islamically allowed" in IS culture by any chance? In the Caliphate, as anywhere else, the neighbours can be a real problem.

IT is, of course, very wicked that people are being scammed by crooks posing as HMRC officials making landline calls to them and offering income- tax rebates. Part of the deal is that you give them your bank details in order for the rebate to be paid. Is it unfair to ask why people fall for this sort of scam? Most folk know that the only adult delivering largesse with no strings attached arrives on a sleigh every December 24 and differs from a tax inspector in several respects, including red cloak, big white beard and amiable smile.

THE US ambassador to Britain, Woody Johnson, says the UK should embrace American farming products - chlorine-washed chicken and all. But if you're not convinced, here's a tip on how to spot American chickens in the supermarket. They all have perfect teeth.

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