Express & Star

Peter Rhodes on the "soft" Fiona Bruce, a scruffy Speaker and an embarrassing nativity

Warmth and softness

Published
Bercow unbrushed

THE electricity industry provides hi-tech smart meters to monitor every tiny bit of power used in millions of homes. So why are we still stuck with low-tech meter boxes that blow open in the wind?

SPEAKER John Bercow said the Government was "deeply discourteous" in postponing the Brexit vote. If he wanted to show the House of Commons some basic courtesy he should have brushed his hair.

OUR local carol service included a reading about a vicar who, after being endlessly badgered, promised his 17-year-old son a car on condition he got his hair cut. Some weeks later the lad was still pleading and the vicar pointed out that he still hadn't had a haircut. The lad declared that he had studied the Bible and found that Solomon, Samson, John the Baptist and Jesus all had long hair. "Quite so," replied the father. "And wherever they went, they walked."

NEWS reaches me of a charity shop with a charming nativity display made of hand-knitted figures. Staff were puzzled that passers-by were looking in the window and laughing. It turned out one of the shepherds had fallen forward and appeared to be striking up some sort of relationship with a sheep. Oh, the vulgar humour of the Brits.

AN unnamed BBC spokesperson says Fiona Bruce's appointment as chair of Question Time (BBC1) will bring "warmth" and "a softer feel." Politicians may rejoice but I can't recall the licence payers asking for that. And anyway, Auntie, isn't it gross sexual stereotyping to suggest a woman brings warmth and softness? What about all the flinty-hard females in broadcasting? And will no-one speak up for us soft, warm blokes?

A PROPOSED legal definition of Islamophobia has been drawn up by a cross-party group of MPs. After two years of debate this is it: "Islamophobia is rooted in racism and is a type of racism that targets expressions of Muslimness or perceived Muslimness.” It's had a mixed reception, and no wonder. Islam is a form of authority and in a free society all authority must expect to be questioned from time to time. Let's hope this definition, if it is ever accepted by Parliament, is used to protect Muslims as individuals and communities, not to close down debate on Islam itself or on those who do unspeakable things in the name of Islam. We all want a safe and equal society. Islam, with its high regard for family life, charity, education and self-discipline, has a big part to play. But the law exists to protect people, not religions. England ditched its ancient blasphemy laws 10 years ago. We don't want to resurrect them, thanks.

MY ongoing hunt for weird and wonderful names for TV private detectives continues. A reader tells me she woke in the early hours to hear a World Service programme on tropical shorelines and was struck by a great name for a private eye: Brackish Lagoon.