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Peter Rhodes on perfect humans, imperfect Brexit and self-diagnosis by internet

By Peter Rhodes | Peter Rhodes | Published:

Squeakyclean

Jenni Murray

HULL University planned to name a lecture theatre after one of its famous former students, the Woman's Hour presenter Jenni Murray. But the uni had second thoughts after some students denounced Murray for alleged "transphobic" comments, which she denies. So in an age when our every word from cradle to grave may be recorded, who will ever be pure enough to pass that ultimate court of human worth, the outraged-student test?

EVEN if an unblemished paragon of virtue were found today, who knows what tomorrow might bring? Having scoured the world for the perfect role model, the Saint Squeakyclean Lecture Theatre is duly unveiled. But five years later Saint Squeakyclean is denounced by the University Animal Action committee for having kept a dog and thus being an animal imprisoner. Squeakyclean must fall. Tear down her statue.

ON D-Day, June 6, 1944, the American landing at Utah beach in Normandy was both a monumental cock-up and a great success. As the landing craft grated on the shingle, Brigadier General Theodore Roosevelt Jr realised his men had come ashore a mile south of the intended place. He famously declared: "We’ll start the war from here." I always thought Brexit would be a bit like Roosevelt's Finest Hour. We would stagger ashore through the chilly waters of a bracing new adventure with remoaners to left of us and wreckers to right of us. And if we didn't get quite the landing we expected, well, we'd start the war from here and battle on regardless because that's the sort of calm, pragmatic people we are. But now, for the first time, I can see it going wrong. Theresa May has taken too many hits. All the energy seems to have drained out of the Leave campaign.

NATURALLY, the Remainers' tails are up. They demand a new vote. They denigrate the 2016 referendum as though it were some sloppy, unreliable barometer and not the greatest exercise in democracy this nation has ever seen.

MOST despicable of all are those Remainers who have spent years telling us that referendums like the 2016 one are merely advisory and that Parliament is sovereign and supreme. Now they are demanding a "People's Vote" which they say must be binding. What they actually mean is: wrong result = advisory, right result = binding. They are telling whoppers but where are the Brexit firebrands who should be calling them out and exposing their double-talk?

AFTER a hot bath, my heels started itching like crazy. So thank heavens for health websites on the internet where, in a couple of minutes, you can discover what's causing the problem and how to fix it. Well, sort of. Turns out itchy heels can be a symptom of nerve damage, diabetes, kidney disorder, neuropathy, multiple sclerosis, psoriasis, allergy, athlete's foot, lymphoma, hookworm, dermatitis and leprosy. I have decided to eat less sugar and buy a bell.

Peter Rhodes

By Peter Rhodes

Award-winning columnist and blogger. Keeping an eye on the tribulations and trivia of a fast-changing world

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