Peter Rhodes on wallies in hats, bread for swans and a loyalty card for frequent mourners

MY recent item about a man campaigning to reduce his official age from 69 to 49 prompts a reader to ask: "When does he think he'll get his pension?"

TOLD you so. A few weeks ago I questioned the latest advice that swans and other water fowl should not be fed bread. The latest tip was to give the poor little blighters strips of lettuce and cabbage. Anyway David Barber who holds the title of the Queen's Swan Marker, says there is no good reason not to feed swans with bread. Indeed, the "Bin the Bread" campaign may have done more harm than good with some swans starving and some being killed on roads as they forage for food. And the new advice from the RSPB is that feeding swans "a little bit of bread, along with other things, will be fine." Just as it is for us humans.

BACK to the crematorium for the second time in ten days. This is what happens when you reach a certain age. Weddings become rare and funerals all too common. I wonder if anyone does a Frequent Mourner loyalty card offering discounts on flowers, hankies and black shoe polish.

THIS time it was the funeral of an old TA mate. The great thing about being in the military is, if you request it, the send-off. You get a guard of honour, a couple of blokes from the British Legion solemnly lowering their flags, and a bugler. And if you're a reservist and also have a civilian job, that profession may get a mention too. As far as I can recall this was the only funeral I have attended where they played the Last Post and we left the chapel to Lonnie Donegan singing My Old Man's a Dustman.

STILL on death, I came across an obituary for a deceased journalist which used that well-worn old phrase that "he never suffered fools gladly" which I always interpret as "workplace bully." When my time comes, I'd like to be remembered as one who suffered fools with great gladness because it is the fools, the clowns, the eccentrics and the permanently bemused who make office life so much fun. And anyway, sometimes a fool is not a fool at all, just a junior who needs a little help.

I WONDER what are the mental processes that make somebody put on a silly blue top hat with EU yellow stars and brandish a pair of anti-Brexit placards behind the TV newsreaders outside Parliament. They presumably think they are persuasive. The truth is that they are exactly the sort of person you dread sitting next to on the bus or train. And every time they appear in their silly hats with their daft placards, they shove the national barometer just a few more degrees towards Brexit.

IF there is a second referendum and the starry-hatted brigade stand outside the polling stations, I forecast a much bigger majority for Leave.