Express & Star

Peter Rhodes on paranoia, the Army's fondness for initials and winter draws on

You know, the most remarkable thing about the Cold War is that we won it.

Published
FIWAF or JEWT?

AFTER much detailed analysis, I can reveal that this week's Budget a) puts money in your left pocket and b) takes money out of your right pocket. Watch how the extra cash you get from cuts in income-tax thresholds is gobbled up by next year's hike in council tax.

NOW, that's more like it. After a sackful of the usual offensive emails, this one which arrived a few days ago, cheered me greatly. It was from a reader who styles himself "jim jams" and reads: "Great column, Peter, so much sense, have you thought about being Prime Minister?"

AFTER my first flush of pride, paranoia set in. Does this reader call himself jim jams because he spends all day in his pyjamas? Is he, perhaps, in secure accommodation? I recall a glowing, gushing and hugely admiring fan letter I received many years ago which ended: "Sorry about the crayon, Pete, but they don't allow any sharp objects in here."

THE British Army loves its initials. According to dispatches this week, the Duke of Lancaster's Regiment is taking part in a FIWAF exercise in Norway. It stands for Fighting in Woods and Forests, and was a new one on me. I was transported back to my own days in uniform when the training included exercises to test our command skills without the expense of real soldiers. These were known as TEWTs (Tactical Exercises Without Troops). In idle moments we invented a range of fictitious variations including NEWS (Naval Exercise Without Ships), JEWT (Jungle Exercise Without Trees), DEWS (Desert Exercise Without Sand) and my personal favourite NEWD (Night Exercise Without Darkness). You know, the most remarkable thing about the Cold War is that we won it.

OH, the whoppers! Auntie Beeb shamelessly promoted Inside No 9 (BBC2, Sunday) as "a special live edition for Halloween." A man enters a room. He switches on the radio. He puts an egg in the microwave. The egg promptly explodes. No live production would dare involve two such unpredictable props. So it wasn't Halloween, it wasn't live and, sad to relate given Inside No 9's track record of comic brilliance, it wasn't much good.

MY confession about eating Dinky Toy tyres as a child reminds a reader of his juvenile encounters with old-fashioned lead soldiers. After many play battles, their heads tended to break off. The simplest repair was a match stick inserted in the head and neck, crimping the lead with your teeth. "Come to think of it," he says, "all our water pipes were lead as well. Must go for a check-up. I'm 81 next year."

ON a frosty morning I greeted a lady friend of a certain age with: "Winter draws on" and we both laughed. It occurred to me that we are probably the last generation that will ever use this line, or get the joke. Our great-grandchildren will assume it was some sort of sexual harassment.