Peter Rhodes on re-designing humans, a perfectly packaged zombie knife and why Brexiters may always be the majority

A LETTER from my building society begins: "Why are we reducing your interest rate?" It then wastes several hundred words when, as we all know, the real answer is: "Because we can."

MEANWHILE, some banks are said to be making a fortune as executors of wills, usually by the lure of a free will-writing service to customers. People sign the executor job over to the banks, assuming it's going to be terribly complicated. And when the nearest and dearest dies, they discover the bank is about to charge them thousands for something they, or a trusted friend, could have done. We all know that in life there is no free lunch. Why are we so eager to believe there is a free will-writing service?

IT was wise of Auntie Beeb to put a woman in charge of Can Science Make Me Perfect? (BBC4) The ubiquitous Professor Alice Roberts scoured the animal kingdom for body parts which work better than their human equivalent and ended up choosing the heart of a dog, the legs of an ostrich and (to avoid painful childbirth) a kangaroo-type pouch. If they gave a man such an opportunity to upgrade his organs, they'd never get him beyond the donkey farm.

MIND you, I'm not sure the twitching, directional ears of a cat which Roberts chose are a good idea. The beauty of human ears is that you can listen to conversations without being noticed. If your ears twitched at every stranger's comments, there could be trouble. Oi! Who you listenin' at..?

AN online advert for a "13-inch Zombie-War Hunting Knife" promises: "Stainless Steel Blade designed with Blood Drips and Zombie-War Logo" and adds "nicely packaged." Good to know it comes in a nice box, eh?

A READER tells me the national EU mood is swinging towards Remain. He suggests, rather callously, that one factor is "older people, who probably voted Leave, dying." Remoaners love the idea that in time all the 17.4 million Leave voters, being old and doddery, will die off. So here's a troubling thought. What if older people voted Leave not because they are old but because they are wise? As today's young Remoaners grow older, they too will grow wiser. So the Leave majority, far from being eroded, will be constantly replaced, refreshed and reinforced. I can only assume my reader is one of those who is convinced that at 70 he will have exactly the same political views he held at 30. In which case he really shouldn't be allowed a vote on anything.

IN the meantime, I worry that there may be no official celebration of leaving the EU at 11pm on March 29 next year, partly because 11pm is frankly a bit late for us frail and feeble Brexiters. But it would be a good idea if at, say, 9pm, we all set off some fireworks. This country has never seen the simultaneous launch of 17.4 million rockets. Now, that would stir the nation's cocoa.