Express & Star

Peter Rhodes on Trump's dingbat diplomacy, Abba's latest hits and can veggie food ever be delicious?

Who do you go for - the cool dude or the oaf?

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AND now, the parable of the cool dude and the oaf. The cool dude is called Barack. He is tall, slim, educated, urbane and just the sort of chap you'd love your daughter to bring home. The oaf is called Donald and he is none of the above. Donald has dodgy hair, an even dodgier (alleged) sex life and has the attention span of a gnat.

NOW, the enigma. The cool dude laid down red lines, and then broke them. He threatened Assad but didn't deliver. The oaf, on the other hand, says all the wrong things yet gives Assad a good whacking, brings the warring tribes of Korea together with his dingbat diplomacy and is on track to save the Far East, and maybe the whole world, from nuclear war. So who is the better man? Who is the better president?

THERE'S an ongoing argument among my readers over whether the word 'delicious' can ever apply to veggie food. I recall an Xmas nut rissole some years ago which not only spoiled our Christmas but would have made a fine door-stop. But things change. Today you'll find veggie haggis better than the real thing, veggie sausages as good as the best pork ones and a soya custard which, in my opinion, is superior to the dairy version.

PS: If it's any consolation, nothing irritates veggies and vegans more than animal-free food being made to look and taste like proper grub.

FORTY-five years after their debut, Abba are again making music for a virtual-reality hologram 'tour'. So what Abba hits can we expect now the group's average age is 71? I'm thinking Gimme, Gimme, Gimme a Nap After Midnight, Want A Loo, Super Drooper and, of course, Knowing Me, Knowing Who Did You Say You Were Again...?

IF Mr T is to be believed, some of you – the ones on my email contact lists – will have an altogether different image of me from today. This is because Mr T who begins his email with: "Dо nоt mind оn my illiterасy, I аm from Korеya," says he has uploaded a malicious program into my computer which has captured video images of me pleasuring myself (he uses a different term) to a porn movie. He explains: "If you want to destroy the videotape – pay me 300 euro in BTC (cryptocurrency). Differently I will send the tape to all your contacts." I had 28 hours to send him the loot or see my reputation sullied for ever.

I DECLINED Mr T's offer for a number of reasons. Firstly, I am as pure as the driven snow. Secondly, giving in to blackmail always encourages more blackmail. Thirdly, like every wise purchaser, the moment I unwrapped my computer I stuck a patch of duct tape over the camera lens. Even if Mr T slipped his malware into my computer, it would be blind. So he has nothing on me. I, on the other hand, have Mr T's Bitcoin number. Advantage me, I think.