Peter Rhodes: The best of 2017
Another year is almost over. My thanks to all readers, especially those of you whose contributions enlivened this column in 2017. Here's a selection of snippets month-by-month recalling a year of everything from fake news to Bake Off, cold snaps and the TV licence fee.
JANUARY: A reader asks, if somebody takes a pot-shot at President Trump, will the bodyguards shout: “Donald, duck!”
FEBRUARY: The Government says old folk occupying big houses will be “given incentives” to move into smaller properties. A reader asks: “Will the same criteria apply to the stately piles of England: Buckingham Palace,Windsor Castle and Clarence House?” Any more questions like that, my lad, and you'll find yourself in a very large dwelling. The Tower.
MARCH: A reader inquires: “After Scottish independence, who gets custody of the Krankies?”
APRIL: Still on religion, Easter eggs and suchlike, a reader points out that there is no such person as the Archbishop of Cadbury.
MAY: A reader writes: “Historians have revealed that they may have found the location in Suffolk where St Edmund is buried. It is thought to be in the town of Bury St Edmunds. How much do these people earn, and where do I apply for a job?”
JUNE: The unspeakable leader. The official election leaflet has just arrived from our local Labour candidate. It contains not a single mention of Jeremy Corbyn.
JULY: If you haven't done the sums yet, it takes the TV licence fees from more than 15,000 homes to employ Gary Lineker at the BBC for a year.
AUGUST: A close look at the neo-Nazi marchers in Charlottesville reveals the usual snarling, dead-eyed losers you see at any far-right gathering. Whenever you meet the Master Race, it's always a disappointment.
SEPTEMBER: Prue Leith, the Bake Off judge, pins the blame on our "centrally heated houses and sedentary lifestyle" for contributing to obesity. Nothing to do with all those cakes, then?
OCTOBER: Is anyone else surprised that, while the weather forecasters queued up to explain why the sky had turned orange a few days ago, no-one warned us in advance that it was going to happen? Not so much forecasting as aftcasting.
NOVEMBER: If Moscow really is planting fake news to bring down the West, expect it to be a well-concealed operation. You know how it is. You open one Russian troll and there's another troll inside .
DECEMBER: Hell's teeth. If this cold weather continues we babyboomers in our magnificent palaces may be forced to spend our winter fuel allowance on winter fuel. That was never the plan.
So that was the year that was. May the New Year of 2018 bring you every happiness.
