Meet Skidmark the kitten. Peter Rhodes on American names and grumpy politicians

A FEW days ago I used that old line about Britain and America being two nations divided by a common language. If you doubt that, watch the closing minutes of Jo Brand's Cats & Kittens (C5) showing a kittten miraculously avoiding death at a busy road junction in the States. To mark its survival, the new owner named the moggie Skidmark. That wouldn't happen here.

THE fourth day of December may seem a tad early to be making forecasts for the year ahead but here goes. If I had to make one political prediction for 2018 it would be that either John McDonnell or his boss Jeremy Corbyn will have a serious and very public loss of temper. In recent weeks both have shown flashes of irritation, Corbyn in the Commons when someone made an unkind remark about his age, and McDonnell in the Mishal Husain 'trite journalism' interview. The year 2017 has been kind to both men. Next year will bring less deference and more close questioning. Things can only get snappier.

ANOTHER prediction. As the number of 'inappropriate' complaints rises, next year will see the demise of a phrase used by generations of lounge lizards, office Romeos and fruity old thespians: "I am a very tactile person."

HOWEVER, if you find yourself on the receiving end, be aware that the safest response to "I am a very tactile person" is "How interesting. I am a very litigious person."

I WROTE last week about the sudden, unheralded appearance of translation apps for smartphones. A reader reports seeing a Chinese customer using one to buy an item in a charity shop. In went the assistant's slow, clearly-spoken English. Out came Cantonese. We live in an age of miracles.

AND off to the chiropodists or, as they are now known, the podiatrists. This story began some weeks ago when I was sitting in a theatre and it seemed someone had suddenly attacked my heel with a blowlamp. The pain was intense but also puzzling because it came from a part of the body with no joints, tendons or anything else likely to cause pain. Anyway, long story short, it turns out to be something with a fancy Latin name which chiropodists/podiatrists call policeman's heel. The lady with the scalpel removed a bucket load of hard skin. At the time of writing, all appears to be well and I have a much fuller understanding of how heels work. I still haven't figured out why chiropodists have become podiatrists but I dare say it has something to do with getting fed up about appearing in North Country comedy routines. 'Chiropodist' is a noble calling but it is also a very funny word.

WHICH reminds me of Santa's sledge breaking down on Christmas Eve. A passing motorist was unable to help, explaining: "I'm not a mechanic. I'm a chiropodist." "Okay," said Santa. Could you give me a toe?"