Express & Star

Mark Andrews: Privileged politicians, the earth moves in Wrexham, and any port in a nuclear storm

Property website Emoov this week issued a very tasteful press release, suggesting the cheapest places to move should Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un or some other deranged tyrant drop nuclear bombs on all our major cities.

Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield

The bad news is pretty much all of this region will be suffer if Mad Vlad decides to annihilate Birmingham. Which some might consider a price worth paying, but would ultimately be a bit of a nuisance.

The good news is that is costs just £112,000 to move to the safety of Barrow-in-Furness. But having visited Barrow-in-Furness, it begs the question: why would you bother moving to a place that feels like it's been nuked already?

Barrow-in-Furness: Safe haven?

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Kristin Morgan, a care worker from Wrexham, has been told by a court to apply for an insulation grant after, ahem, 'cries of passion' emanating from her house caused misery to neighbours.

So much so that they recorded the sound of the, er, 'earth moving', which formed the evidence of the case against her.

Mrs Morgan blamed her son Aled for the noise, and indeed he is up before the court next month to face four charges under the Environmental Protection Act.

I think if I were the neighbours, I would be employing the services of a good mix-DJ, and make their Aled's banging and shreiking into a pop record. After all, I do recall someone turn bleating sheep into the 1812 Overture.

What does amaze me is that when Dishi Rishi promised double glazing and insulation for all a couple of years ago, the requirements were so Byzantine that only a handful of people thought it worth the bother of applying. Yet if your son gets up to a bit of noisy rumpy-pumpy, you've got a judge fighting your corner.

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Spare me the self-righteous anger about Philip Schofield and Holly Whatsaname 'jumping the queue' for the Queen's lying in state. While the pair clearly occupy the featherweight end of the media contingent, you can hardly blame them for using the passes they were issued with. If it's anyone's fault, it's those who put them on the guest list.

Angela Rayner – VIP pass

I don't begrudge Angela Rayner being given a VIP pass, either. Indeed, it was quite brave of her to praise the Queen's dedicated service, knowing the inevitable backlash from sections of her fan base.

But please, Angela, do remember this next time you start shrieking to others about 'privilege'.