Mark Andrews: Soggy phones, Ukrainian refugees, and when folk fit the stereotypes too neatly

According to an insurance company, the biggest cause of people claiming for a new telephone is that they dropped it down the toilet.

Just stop being idiots
Just stop being idiots

They obviously bought the wrong phones. When I dropped my old Nokia in a bucket of water, it took two days to dry out, then it was right as rain. These newfangled £1,000 phones obviously aren't all they're cracked up to be.

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Time for a rethink on Ukrainian refugees?

Another week, and still no sign of the Home Office getting to grips with the backlog of Ukrainian refugees. While Germany has accepted 316,000, Spain 110,000, Britain has managed just 16,400. With 40,000 cases pending.

Which seems short-sighted on the Prime Minister's part. During a 'Partygate' phone-in the other night, there was one shrill caller after another screaming for his resignation. Interrupted only by the occasional Ukrainian who wouldn't have a word said against Boris.

I think if I were Mr Johnson, I would not only open the door to as many Ukrainians as possible, I would also give them full voting rights the moment they step off the plane. He's going to need all the votes he can get.

* * *

There was an episode of Minder where Terry was sent to protect an antique shop being targeted by heavies. Only the 'heavies' turned out to be some rather weedy actors hired by the shop manager as part of a scam. One of them asked Terry to go easy on his hair transplant.

The more one reads about the Just Stop Oil loons blockading the oil refineries, one can't help wonder whether the same is happening now.

They include a roller-skating watchmaker called Amy Rugg-Easey, who sounds more like a brand of soft furnishings that advertises in the Sunday supplements. And a former Extinction Rebellion 'arts co-ordinator' called Indigo Rumbelow. Don't pay any more, Mrs Moore.

Then there is the facial-piercing fan who glued himself to the microphone in a radio studio. And a jet-setting yachtswoman who – when not glued to various installations – likes to post pictures of herself on Instagram in Australia, Gran Canaria and Bali. Now I would love to believe she travelled there by sail-power, but suspect fossil fuels may have been involved.

Problem is, they all fit the stereotype just a bit too neatly.

Would it be a huge surprise if they turned out to be actors too? Or, more likely, wannabe "influencers" seeking their 15 minutes of fame.

I do hope when they end up in prison they will be forced to live with no electricity, heating, hot water, or food cooked with fossil fuels. Wouldn't want to compromise their principles, would we?

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