Mark Andrews on Saturday: Masks, dwarfs, and a get-out-of-jail-free card for Boris

Mark Andrews' wry look at what's been making the next this week.

 A shopper wearing a face mask
A shopper wearing a face mask

According to the Daily Mail, Thursday this week was "Freedom Day". A headline declared: "First shoppers are seen without face-coverings on morning latest Plan B curbs are lifted."

Really? Because for at least a week I seem to have been the only one in the shops still wearing one.

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Snow White and the Seven Tall People?

It appears Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs is the latest casualty of the woke patrols, with Disney now saying it is "consulting with the dwarfism community" on how to "avoid reinforcing stereotypes".

As far as I can see, the only stereotype in Snow White is that the dwarfs are, er, a little on the short side. So from now on, a fixed quota of them will need to be tall?

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Boris Johnson ­– at home painting buses?

It seems a full police inquiry means we may have to wait weeks before we finally see Sue Gray's report into Partygate. Not sure I can hold on that long, the anticipation is killing me.

Look, I get the principle that the law must apply to everyone. And it sounds very much like what has gone is at the very least a shambles, and at worst demonstrates a disgraceful arrogance by those at the top of government. But we've all made up our minds about this, and I can't see how a very costly police investigation is going to change much. Let's have the report now, and leave the coppers to do something useful. Like banging up burglars, hooligans and graffiti vandals. I can't tell you how much I hate graffiti.

And given that the Prime Minister rarely goes anywhere without a full police escort, and that there are more coppers in Downing Street than you will ever see in your neighbourhood, shouldn't the real question be why none of these officers thought fit to have a word in somebody's shell-like the moment they saw rules being broken?

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And if the PM wants a get-out-of-jail-free card, he really ought to take a leaf out of the luvvies' playbook and give the "My Truth" defence a go. You know, the one where celebrity snowflakes make contentious, opinionated allegations, and when challenged about the total lack of evidence, they defensively snarl "That is My Truth,". Usually followed by some mumbo jumbo about "lived experience".

If, hypothetically speaking of course, video footage emerges of a bare-chested Boris doing the conga around the Cabinet Room, with Michael Gove, Dominic Raab and Rishi Sunak on maracas, Carrie spraying them with pink champagne and Lulu Lytle letting off £300-a-piece eco-friendly party poppers, all the PM has to do is say: "I was at home with my children making London buses out of beer crates. That is My Truth." And he's off the hook. Simple as that.

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