Andy Richardson: 'Dream big, Dom - perhaps retrain as a ballet dancer or plumber'

In a week where the UK passed the horrific stat of 50,000 corona deaths, it’s more than a little odd that those living at Number 10 Dysfunction Street have made the headlines all about themselves.

Dominic Cummings
Dominic Cummings

The me, me, me culture that pervades Government has provided the worst type of distraction as playground politics obscures the fact that we’re failing at the pandemic and have been rubbish at Brexit.

The oven-ready deal is still in the deep freeze and the EU’s Michel Barnier is even winning at jokes: posting drôle photographs of himself on football pitches declaring he’s looking for a level playing field. EU 1 BoJo 0. Just don’t get Marcus Rashfield involved, then it’ll be a rugby score.

As the nation comes to terms with its parlous state, as the UK has the fifth worst Covid record in the world and as politicians spaff £78 quintillion, million, billion on a Stonehenge tunnel and railway that nobody wants the Cummings and goings at Dysfunction Street dominate.

Carrie Symonds is the new Prime Minister and Dom and his macho culture are out. Confrontation is over and smiles are in. Hard noses are replaced by soft power. Environmentalism and collective responsibility will replace autocracy and road trips to Barnard Castle. The Tory ranks are variously shocked and delighted Vote Leave loses its grip on power. They’ve been replaced by moderates led by the mother of Boris’s latest child. It’s so EastEnders. Mind you, so fast have people been departing Dysfunction Street that pretty soon the only resident remaining will be Larry the cat.

It’s odd that Demonic Cummings didn’t quit after his Barnard Castle fiasco; the single event that caused most damage to the UK’s lockdown and undoubtedly led to grim Covid outcomes.

Still, no doubt a lucrative career awaits. Just as those who missed penalties for Engurland at assorted football tournaments went on to trouser loadsamoney from the makers of pizza adverts, so Cummings will no doubt earn a consultancy with Specsavers. After all, if Chris Grayling, the man who signed a multi-million contract with a ferry company that had no boats, can secure a gig with a transport company, anything is possible.

Dream big, Dom, you could make it to Head Office at Dollond & Aitchison if you play your cards right. Maybe a job in PR awaits. And if that doesn’t work out, perhaps he could retrain as a ballet dancer or plumber.

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