We can exclusively reveal today that the American Presidential race will be run between two newcomers. Kayne West will duke it out for the Republican party with Lady GaGa for the Democrats. Americans will have learned that electing a professional politician who is competent, understands the system and brings gravitas to the most powerful job on earth is, in fact, a game for mugs.
Kamala Harris and Mike Pence will be sunning themselves on a beach, grateful that they’re no longer involved, sipping pina coladas while frolicking on inflatable unicorns on some SoCal beach.
The American public will have decided it’s so much better to have a rapper or singer looking to follow in the footsteps of an orange man who didn’t pay much tax. Kanye will run on the Make America Wait Again ticket, looking to replicate the underhand tactics of Tango Man, whose favourite trick had been to project his failings and inadequacies onto bemused opponents.
Kanye will also have upped the ante in terms of election fraud. When the election is called, he’ll bring into force a new law saying only one vote is allowed (per country, rather than per person) and the Prezza gets to use it. Thus, Kanye will elect himself though not before he’s asked for a recount, in memory of The Don.
The Don, of course, will be languishing in jail as some of the several thousand lawsuits brought against finally succeed.
Boris, meanwhile, will have finally secured the job he’s always wanted. Having lost the Tory leadership to Rishi Sunak, who narrowly defeats Sir Kier at the next election, Boris will finally land a stint on Strictly Come Dancing before being flown out to Oz to star on I’m A Celeb, with Ant and Dec. As his career dwindles and the shine starts to fade, he’ll head to regional theatres on a spoken word tour, playing to 57 in Workington on a Wednesday night.
Still, why should we worry. The weekend is here and nobody really knows the rules; least of all those who make them. We can expect more politicians appearing on chat shows where savvy hosts deliberately trip them up over whether or not you can play tennis with a golf club, while being socially distanced from the Amazon delivery man.
Captain Sir Tom Moore, meanwhile, and Marcus Rashford, continue to give us hope.