Mark Andrews on Saturday: Shakesperian tragedy, boxing clever and why movies aren't what they used to be

Like a lot of entertainment venues, the Royal Shakespeare Company is in a precarious financial state at the moment.

Due to the coronavirus, it has been forced to close two of its theatres, and is now shedding 158 jobs, a personal tragedy for many who will now face a bleak future.

What would really help at this difficult time would be a bit of corporate sponsorship, like it recently had with BP. Except the RSC burned its bridges with that one, terminating the deal after a tantrum from Mark Rylance. The uber luvvie pompously declared that BP "wilfully destroys the lives of others alive and unborn."

Maybe now that the RSC is no longer tainted with support from an oil producer, perhaps Mr Rylance would like to dig into his pockets to help out?

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At least those unfortunate to have lost their jobs can turn to the Government's careers advice service for help.

It has launched a new website to identify alternative careers based on your skills and attributes, and if you've got a few minutes to kill I recommend you give it a go, it's great fun. Obviously, it suggests I should become a boxer.

From what I've heard, everyone who has tried it has been told to become a boxer. I never knew pugilists were in such great demand, particularly ones with my physique.

It also suggested a football referee, despite the fact that I'm not especially athletic and have appalling eyesight. Which probably makes me an ideal candidate.

A beautician was another suggestion – and with looks like mine, why not? And a nutritional therapist. Pork scratchings all round, then.

My favourite suggestion, though, was to become an actor. Because we all know how many opportunities are out there at the moment (see above).

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The Cineworld cinema chain has shut all its picture houses, saying it can't get the blockbuster releases to pull in the punters. Instead of saving the world, James Bond has been laid low by the coronavirus, and nobody really knows when he will get better.

Well here's an idea, instead of hanging around waiting for 007 to get off his sickbed, why not show some of the classic films instead?

New films are rubbish anyway, well a lot of them are. They go on for too long, are packed with navel-gazing, rely too much on special effects, and are all style over substance. I was just reading the synopsis of one recent film, about a bent copper who travels to the Canary Islands on the pretext of learning an ancient whistling language. Who thinks this guff up? The Clangers? Even the recent Dad's Army film was dreadful. And I'm totally convinced that 'noir' is the Scandinavian word for 'boring'.

I'm sure if they looked deeply enough in their back catalogue, our cinemas could find plenty of great films from yesteryear that would bring people in.

Mutiny On The Buses, anyone?

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Strangely, the Government's career website didn't suggest movie critic.

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