Andy Richardson: 'We ought to thank Tango Man for the lessons he teaches us'

We all know Donald is Superman – immune to Covid-19, fearless in the face of plummeting oxygen levels, able to drive around like a Pope when he should be self-isolating.

Donald Trump
Donald Trump

Let’s hope, however, that his inner circle are similarly resilient. As President Grandstand, sorry, Trump, sets the example none of us wants to see – go out, mask-free, when contagious – his courtiers are dropping like flies.

In truth, we ought to thank Tango Man for the lessons he teaches us, for they are many. In breaking so many rules, he’s simply reminded us of the importance to follow them.

Donald didn’t wear a mask, so perhaps we should; Donald didn’t social distance, nor did his inner circle – now Covid-19 is spreading among them like fire in summer straw; Trump’s idea of self-isolation is taking a joyride in his car-tank, so maybe we ought to do the 14-day stay-at-home thing if Matt Hancock calls from his Track and Trace bunker. Ah yes, contract tracing. We should let those with whom we’ve had close contact know if we are infectious. Which is why Trump decided not to let Joe Biden know. Doh.

So, in summary, if we do the opposite of the most powerful man on the world our chances of remaining illness-free increase considerably. Thanks Don.

It would be nice if we could also do the opposite of Boris and Matt Hancock, whose performance through the pandemic has been the acme of incompetent. Sadly, we cannot. And as our world-beating Track and Trace system shows Titanic-like signs of resilience, we must realise Boris actually meant world-beating in terms of infection rates.

There are times when we might reasonably wonder whether Gavin Williamson wasn’t, in fact, the architect of Track and Trace. This is one of them. Having lost 16,000 infections by using the wrong software – as you do, when you’ve spent £10 billion – then missed three times that number of traces, a pharmaceutical company’s move to a new warehouse means there’ll be a drop in processing capacity. No, these things don’t happen in Germany, South Korea, New Zealand or most other nations around the world. It’s a good old-fashioned British cock-up. It’s not just Covid-19 tests that are affected, those for other diseases are also running short.

Incompetence, disorganisation, ineptitude – in those we are world-beating. So the virus rate is soaring.

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