Andy Richardson: 'Tough choices will have to be made'

By Andy Richardson | Opinions | Published:

Super Dom is sitting in his study channelling his inner David Coverdale and imagining he’s got a mane-like head of hair.

Dominic Cummings

“Here I go again on my own,” he croaks. “Going down the only road I’ve ever known.”

While BoJo walks Dilyn the dog and promotes two burgers for a tenner to help the nation lose weight, SuperDom’s inbox overflows.

Though the nation is enjoying a back-to-the-1950s staycation, with old men sitting on deckchairs wearing knotted handkerchiefs on their heads, storm clouds are gathering.

Boris is due to interview candidates who’ll take over his job of communicating with the nation for the princely sum of £100,000. In his quest for a new spokesperson, he’s looking for someone who’ll tell the nation that they’d shake the hand of every Covid patient while not criticising his fly-away father or drive-away special advisor. SuperDom, our unelected Prime Minister, must fix the looming crisis.

Cases of Covid-19 are rising in Europe and as the Government floods the airways with adverts encouraging us all to get out and enjoy ourselves, the transmission rate is increasing. The Government finds itself on the horns of a dilemma. Tough choices will have to be made.

England has played itself into a position where the economy has tanked, suffering more damage than any of the world’s largest economies, while its death rate is significantly higher than others. Worst at death. Worst at economics. Even for a Government with an 80-seat majority, it’s not a good look. SuperDom stares blankly at the mirror and asks himself this: “What would David Coverdale do now?”

The Children’s Commission has told the Government it may have to sacrifice pubs and shops if it wants schools to reopen. Rishi Sunak may clobber businesses by raising rates. The NHS is seeing a wave of cancelled operations while heart attack deaths have risen by 40 per cent during lockdown.

Earlier errors are coming back to haunt SuperDom. The failure to close borders at the right time led to a surge in Covid deaths. The chaos of inadequate PPE caused turmoil. And the track and trace system still doesn’t work – world beating? Nah, it’s broke.

A long, bleak winter is in store. SuperDom rises from his chair and unlocks his car. He slams his Whitesnake CD in the stereo. It’s time for a holiday. Which direction is Barnard Castle?

Andy Richardson

By Andy Richardson
Feature Writer - @andyrichardson1

Feature writer and food critic Andy Richardson interviews celebrities, writes columns and hangs out with chefs for stories that appear across all group titles.

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