Andy Richardson: 'UK getting serious about testing and tracing. It only took us two months.'
As big reveals go, it’s going to be a whimper rather than a bang.
The Government has until Thursday to tell us what comes next – but we already know. Social distancing is here to stay, there’ll be a phased return to work and back to school will be a slogan for June rather than September. If you’re planning to celebrate a 70th birthday soon, your friends might want to replace cards and cake with handcuffs and bars. It’s going to be a long hot summer, indoors.
The delusion of eternal optimists is gradually wearing off as people start to realise this won’t just blow over. There won’t be festivals in summer or autumn and we won’t be queueing to see Jason Donovan in panto at Christmas; aah, perhaps there are some benefits after all.
Reconfiguring offices and organising new work rotas is the new national task. If Darren comes in early then Julie must come in late. Our nation’s trains have never enjoyed a reputation for efficiency and with new services probable there will be some very, very long queues for the 8.03 to Wolverhampton.
Happily, the UK is getting serious about testing and tracing. It only took us two months. While Germany and South Korea were ahead of the game, we were enjoying a 7-1 flutter at the Cheltenham Races, a symbol for national complacency. The PPE debacle is not yet resolved, however, and as we return to work demand for gloves and masks will peak. It’ll be like trying to find toilet roll and pasta back in March.
Some, however, will welcome new workplace practices. Derek in accounts never really did like Siobhan in wages, Colin in quantity surveying was never a fan of Shobna in construction. Finally, they can retreat and pretend not to hear conversations about what colleagues ate for supper the night before.
Not everyone will return to work and the priority will remain a cool backdrop for Zoom video conferences rather than dry cleaning the right dress or suit.
Through it all, Home Secretary Pretty Awful Patel will continue to make sporadic appearances where her favourite phrase – ‘We don’t have that data’ – will be aired. Movie makers are already in discussions about making a film of the same title. The Secretary of State will, however, take credit for a fall in shoplifting in stores that remain closed.
