Andy Richardson: Feast your eyes on our fine foodie treat
Food glorious food. Frankly, we can’t get enough of it. We are the Kings of Corpulence. The Dons of Dining.
Glyn ‘Yummy Brummie’ Purnell has featured on our cover in recent months. The Michelin-starred Peaky Blinder told us he buys random rounds of drinks for people who sup at his old local, when he’s not busy recording his 40-episode TV shows or watching his beloved Blues.
And this week we’re bringing you two titanic foodies: the unpretentious and affable Mr Kerridge and the charming and sincere Mr Roux Jr. They share five Michelin stars between them across their three restaurants – get that, FIVE – it’s enough to light up the night sky like a blaze of pyrotechnics.
But don’t imagine we’re done. The nation’s best regional lifestyle supplement – I know, we’re saying it ourselves, but it’s true, blush, who else brings you Sir Rod Stewart, David Walliams, Noel Gallagher and a journalist building his own overnight shelter in a wood? – is lining up more big guns for your delectation.
In an outburst of gastronomic glee, of culinary commotion, we’ve got something a little special lined up for you. It is this. A rock’n’roll Christmas with Britain’s two most exciting, controversial and headline-making chefs. Yes, we’ve only gone and bagged time with old three-Michelin-star icon Marco Pierre White and two-star firebrand Tom Aikens. Marco was the youngest ever British chef to win three Michelin stars, Tom was the youngest ever to win two. It. Literally. Doesn’t. Get. Any. Better.
So if you’ve wondering what to do for Christmas, keep it right here. Our crack team of cooks will see you right through the festive season. Both have restaurants in Birmingham, and very nice they are too.
And they’ve agreed to sit down and chew the fat over a nice little cup of handmade wuyi lapsang souchong. Our joy is unconfined. We are fizzing like popping candy, steaming like a pressure cooker and dancing like Fred Astaire.
Now, as well you know, we’re not ones to blow our own trumpet. Though Weekend hasn’t been nicknamed Scoop Towers without good reason.
We’ve got all sorts of delights lined up for you in the not-too-distant future: did anyone mention the Geordie A-lister who likes a bit of tantric, hardly ever does interviews and earned 16 Grammies after shifting 200 million records and writing stuff like Message In A Bottle. And did I hear a whisper that The Scoop will be so full of rock’n’roll interviews in coming weeks and months that it will resemble the afterparty at The Brits? But I digress. And it’s best to keep our powder dry. Just don’t go anywhere else, that’s all we’re saying.
But Marco and Tom Aikens are something a little bit special. They are so special, in fact, that a crack team of media consultants has been employed to advise us on our interviewing techniques, to make sure we get the best from them.
Marco is, of course, the culinary world’s leading firebrand. An enfant terrible and the Godfather of Modern Cooking, he’s been known to make Edwina Currie shake in her boots – so lord knows how it must have felt to be a chef when he was at his three-star fieriest.
The widely-respected and admired Tom also used to have a bit of a rep.
So our media advisors have been advising us on how to get the best out of two of Britain’s great culinary mavericks.
This is what they said: “So, Marco can be a bit fiery at times. So we think you should tickle him. Just walk across the room, grab him under the arms and wriggle your fingers until he cries.”
I’ll be honest. I’m not sure that’s going to work.
“And with Tom, offer him your recipe for a baked potato with cheese. Tell him how long to cook it for and then put your fist out ready for a bump-fist, like Ali G used to.”
Again, I’m not sure it will work.
The media consultant wasn’t done. “Then tell him about your recipe for triple-cooked cheesey chips with a side of mushy paes. And you can also mention Bathams and Banks’s, if yam like.”
When we interview Marco and Tom, I think we’ll let them do the talking. We’ll pay due deference to their remarkable culinary talents – believe us when we say, it doesn’t get any better, they are the A*** of A-stars.
And we’ll show them the respect they’ve earned during decades in the kitchen cooking for some of the most discerning guests in the world – and alongside other truly great chefs.
And that means you can look forward to the coolest Yule this side of Marco or Tom’s kitchen.
Blimey, it’s good. Draw up a seat. Things are about to get tasty.